i'd like to drive the 90 minutes to the spot where i took this photograph some 18 months ago, and climb into the canoe with aspen in tow (some balancing act that would be) and drift out into the morning mist, maybe never to come back to the place where we had left. i want to hide, and take him with me. problem is, trouble would follow us, deep inside of him, inside of me. but for a little while, the water and the mist would give us peace, and lack of electricity and phone would prove to be a lovely thing.
i guess you're guessing that my news from the vet was not good. and you would be right.
nor has any other news this week been what i wanted it to be.
i thought i had found the perfect house for me, little ol' me, and for aspen, and sometimes for the boys (for roy this summer, and for both boys on holidays), deep in the heart of west asheville. a dear little recently renovated bungalow, with a sweet front porch, lots of windows, a fireplace, a basement for the studio, hardwood floors, open kitchen, soft green walls, you name it. but the support i was hoping for fell through, and i am realizing i won't have any of that support, nay, encouragement, for any house, unless i myself scrape two dimes together on my own. this is crushing to me, and i've had to spend this week questioning all sorts of values and beliefs. life just is not fair. my dog should not be sick. i should be able to have a house of my own, in a vibrant, artistic community where i won't feel like a gasping fish flopping around out of water.
i appreciate all of your many words of encouragement - your emails, your comments - that you've given me these past few days. i'm not sure what aspen's outcome will be. my ultimate decision to have the large tumor removed actually aggravated the situation, damn it, although the vet has emphasized to a moaning me over the phone that we agreed it needed to be removed. of course, i'm blaming myself. wouldn't you? he continues to bleed, internally, and we'll continue to dose him with steroids, among a string of other medicinals. i'm rather stunned at this point. it's wednesday, isn't it? it feels like friday - it can't be just the middle of the week. i'm worn out, with no work to show for it.
at any rate, i hesitated once again to post such a downtrodden note, but knew you'd want an update on the old pup. he seems to be feeling alright - just a bit low on energy. the weather here - quite grey, with rollicking thunderstorms - does not help the mood.
sunday morning i ordered jane siberry's "When I Was a Boy" cd, which features the haunting, achingly lovely song "calling all angels" (backed up by k.d. lang) - i recently heard this again when watching the 5th season (i'm addicted) of six feet under, and now am sorry i opted for the slow-as-molasses free amazon shipping. it is time for new tunes in this household, not that this cd is new - it dates back to 1993...
aspen would like to thank everyone for their kind wishes for his speedy recovery, and sends you all a tasty dog biscuit for your being so dear. "U R Swell", says he. xoxo