next week i'm turning 52, and at this ripe age i'm finally beginning to come into a true sense of who and what i really am. i'm far from thinking i've reached the point of enlightenment - far from it - but the square placement of being in the middle of one's life (hopefully) allows some notions of where i've come, where i've been, which direction i think i'll be going. yesterday morning i decided to treat myself to a new set of thick portugese flannel sheets; the last time i bought some was all the way back in 1999, when i was going through a very painful separation and wanted a fresh beginning for the bed, and for my life, so to speak. chaste. solitary. luxuriously alone with my books and thoughts late into the night. and now it's time again, with threadbare winter sheets. the last two sets i've used for some nine years are both soft green in color - one set a large gingham, the other leafy fronds. when i set out looking online yesterday (thankfully i'm not on many catalog mailing lists - think of the paper that is saved from this one address alone), i typed in the word "branches" and "flannel". alas, no branches - only frondy martha stewart things in a dull, mousy shade of pale brown. but these - these! i can't wait for them to be delivered to my door. the shop description: "The wish tree appears in the histories of many cultures around the globe; from the British Isles to India and Japan. Ours takes its graphic simplicity from the traditional folk craft of paper cutting, and its message expresses joyous wishes for the world. This supersoft cotton-flannel sheeting from Portugal is printed with wishes in a cheerful cut-paper style." they had me with paper cutting;
i've been a fan of british artist rob ryan ever since i read the wonderful novel The World to Come by dara horn two years ago, and a few months back i also ran across some of his more recent work on his etsy site. friendly fellow, he is - when i wrote him to babble about his artwork, he promptly and warmly responded. (be sure to visit his website and prowl around - there is some amazing work, including whimsical set of clothing designs for Project Alabama. the artwork at the left adorns the cover of a book by the same name that misty found for me at barnes and noble - wonderful, wonderful work! at any rate - all this to say that i flipped when i saw these sheets, so vibrant in their quirky red and white, the birds, the leaves, the words as affirmation draped over me in autumn and winter sleep all made me hit the purchase button without a single look back. and seeing the paper cut words - joy, dream, wish, hope, love - got me to thinking about a list i should create for things i'd like to accomplish in the aging years to come. i could list forever, of course i could. but reading attention spans are short, my hands are achy, and i won't bore you with too many details of someone else's personal dreams and aspirations. for now, though:
1. i'd really like to one day sit on a rock looking out over valleys or mountains, in the company of the dali lama. we wouldn't have to talk; i know i'd have to keep myself from nervously chattering, so the beauty of silence - deep, cleansing, gentle silence - in his presence would be something to carry me through the rest of my days.
2. i would really like to see the temples of japan, as well as the japanese coastlines. while there, i'd want to visit as many teahouses as i possibly could, to sit quietly on the floor at a table and drink cup after tiny cup of pristine tea.
3. i want to see my children reach their own wild dreams - whether or not those dreams involve travel, quirky jobs, a house in a tree (their dad's own dream when he was young).
4. one day i'd like to travel across ocean waters in a windjammer boat with enormous sails; i'd like to dock in tiny harbor towns, stroll the colorful streets, eat exotic island foods, take a thousand photographs of the trip and write a book about it.
5. i'd like to publish (as a book) a daily journal i kept back in five months of 1983 while the boys' dad and i travelled by bicycle across greece, italy, corsica, france, england, and holland. there are many wonderful slide images just begging to be reworked into polaroid transfers to garnish my younger, world hopping thoughts and observations.
6. i'd like to travel to tibet and the himalayan mountains.
7. i want to own a home here in these mountains, next to a very bold stream.
8. i want to continue to grow as a jewelry designer until my hands will no longer comply.
9. i want to know my sons as men in their 30's and 40's; i want to see and know their own children, should they decide to have them.
10. i want to stay in a residential studio in the southwest, somewhere, and be inspired by reds and oranges and yellows, by the smell of mesquite smoke in the evening air.
11. i really, truly would like to read Moby Dick just so i can see what all the fuss was about. starbuck, ishmael, ahab - they're still there waiting for me to discover them. after all, it took me 35 years to get to know and love holden caulfield.
12. i want to work on a collaboration of sticks and stones with british artist andy goldsworthy. the man - his work - astounds me. i've followed his art for years and years, have collected his books, own the movie rivers and tides, stack towers of rocks outside my door and at the hearth and drag branches and nests into this house until it no longer appears to have any delineation between out there and in here. andy is exactly my age, maybe two months older, and for some odd reason this pleases me. hell, i'd be happy just to meet the man and shake his weather worn hand. somehow, some way.
13. i want to build a labyrinth of grass and stone wherever i finally settle. this can be done; goodness knows i've enough rocks to outline one the size of a cathedral's. when it is finished, i'd like to take off my socks and shoes and walk round and round, up and down, on the cool grass in the path i've just completed.
14. i'd like to learn and use sign language.
15. i once tried, some ten years ago, to learn to play the violin. it hurt my arthritic hands too much to hold the bow just so, and after two frustrating years of suzuki lessons and recitals where i was the only adult standing before an audience - surrounded by three, five, nine year olds - i finally gave up. i wish i hadn't.
16. i want to sleep in an apple orchard and wake in the middle of the night to see the northern lights wavering in the sky overhead. a friend i once knew experienced just that, when he was picking apples in washington state for the summer. lucky man.
17. i'd love to dance under the moon in a meadow somewhere in the north of england, close to the moors. to sit in tall grass in the dark and watch the clouds pass by under that moon. maybe alone, maybe with a friend, maybe with someone who moments before had been a complete and total stranger.
18. i'd like to read (and retain) a thousand, two thousand, three, four five thousand more books in this lifetime of mine. i want the time to do just that.
19. i want to always have new and old friends - the ones i've known forever, the ones i've known for a while, and friends i've only just met.
20. i want to help. to always help.
21. i hope i'll see forever.
22. i'd love a life that is anger-free. no conflicts, no drama. just peace. quiet, calm, enveloping peace. one can hope, anyway. 22a. i wish to move forward, without squeaky wheels, without fits and starts. i wish to move on, without dwelling on failures or disappointments or hurt. i wish to move forward, wisely, sagely, lessons learned.
23. i want to grow older and older with grace, and dignity.
24. i want to remain clear.
25. i do not want to disappear.... xo
okay...you made me tear up some. i hope all your wishes come true.
Posted by: carol | October 09, 2008 at 08:33 PM
You've inspired me to think along these lines Nina. I too will be 52 in a few weeks (7 to be exact) and I would like very much to stretch myself to claim those things I would love to experience. Thank you for showing the way! I'm going to put my mind to this and my pen to my journal. And would you believe I've never read Moby Dick either........
Posted by: sherry | October 09, 2008 at 08:37 PM
Oh Nina, you will never disappear. I can't tell you how much reading your blog affects me. I feel moved, deep and at home when I hear your words as I sit in this wonderful, yet cookie cutter image of a suburb I call home. You are unique, complicated and wise. I hope you fulfill all your dreams!!
Posted by: Emily Henderson | October 09, 2008 at 08:38 PM
What a touching and open-hearted sharing, Nina. You truly do have a unique gift ----- I think so many of us who have discovered your world feel heard and held in a very special way, our souls a bit more open. Thank you for showing us the path inward to our truest selves.
Posted by: Maggie | October 09, 2008 at 08:45 PM
i will be 38 on all saints day.
i hope to accomplish just a smattering of what you have, in my years to come.
what an intricate bit of origami you are!
i believe with the whole of my heart that your lifeline is long,
your legacy longer still,
and your dreams a blueprint of whats to come.
you are the hand guiding the scissor.
behind you, a lovely, interesting trail of paper cuttings,
before you, a clean fresh sheet of paper.
when you are ready, all you have to do is:
BEGIN!
blessed be....
Posted by: Erin Gergen Halls | October 09, 2008 at 09:40 PM
I wish to leave a heritage of love and peace and health to all that live on the earth.
I wish to finish my "Bucket List" before I'm too old and frail.
I wish to see my children laugh and love each day.
Oh, Nina, so many wishes so little time...I'm 60 now each day is a gift of more than I should ever expect. I am so lucky so privileged so blessed.
To sit in the presence of the Dali Lama ... why I know I would think and live higher than I could dream.
Dream more Wish more Live more
Joei
Rhode Island
Posted by: Joei Rhode Island | October 09, 2008 at 09:48 PM
so beautiful Nina, such true and honest words, and a beauty of a list you created... I might have to annex some of those ideas, for my upcoming nov birthday wish list... may your effervescence bubble for a long long time....
Posted by: Liz | October 09, 2008 at 09:53 PM
Dear Nina, In no way could you ever disappear. You are immortal, you will always be in your jewelry, in your art, in your children, in our hearts. You have opened the world to me in ways you never could imagine. You've gone places I've never been and done things I've never done and you share these things with the world, with us...with me. I love how you created the list, shared with us, I hope you've expanded on it and shared only part of it with us. I too hope I'll see forever and not just with my eyes (a fear of lose of eyesight has always followed me) but with my heart. You are but three years older than me and yet I feel so much older and you are so much wiser. Do write that book and share that adventure you wrote about here. You are a great teacher and I thank you for that. And I wish for you all that you wish for and more.
xxoooo
Tess
Posted by: Tess | October 09, 2008 at 09:54 PM
hmmm, now those are some serious thoughts all relating back to new sheets....
you never never cease to amaze and astound me...i truly love you...
xo~mary
Posted by: kim | October 09, 2008 at 10:13 PM
Lovely posting. Funny how birthdays bring out such thoughts. But you know, everything on that list is very do-able. And you won't disappear; as others have said, you live on in your sons and in everyone you have touched through your art and your classes and your blog and . . .
Posted by: Mary G. | October 09, 2008 at 10:29 PM
such a beautiful, deep, true list right from your heart. i am so glad you shared this.
i love so many of these items on your list...but i loved that you want to live near a bold stream. pure poetry.
(love, love these sheets!!!)
many blessings to you my friend,
liz
Posted by: liz elayne | October 09, 2008 at 10:36 PM
This is the reason I keep returning to your blog. Your beautiful words transport me into my own world of thought....your honesty humbles me....and I relate to everything you write. I aslo love Andy Goldsworthy and as for your sheets....to die for, darl!
Posted by: robyn | October 09, 2008 at 11:15 PM
Hello! I came here from The Hermitage.I shall bookmark this.
I see you'd like to read the tale of Moby Dick. If you go to my friend's blog
http://my-croft.blogspot.com/
you can see and read about her artistic interpretation of Moby.
Posted by: dinahmow | October 09, 2008 at 11:41 PM
It's a glorious thing to be in one's 50s The older I get, the happier I am (I'm 53). Who would ever have thought it when we were 20? Blessings on you, Nina, and ripening.
I didn't know Dinah had preceded me here, but I'm the one working on a Moby Dick project. If you take it up, know that it's tough going in many places (okay -- in many, many places) but so, so, so worth it in the end.
Posted by: Melanie | October 10, 2008 at 12:31 AM
well done! you've got the "free expression" and "limitless vision" parts nailed, not under wraps by any means. Hold it in your heart, stay awake and engaged. You've had an amazing year and the one to come promises to be all that and more. Yeehah - ain't it grand!
Posted by: kathy vk | October 10, 2008 at 12:56 AM
Glory Be! You will only be 52, start ticking items of that list NOW!
Re no. 2. Not quite Japan, but I posted about tea recently and you would have been so welcome.........
http://acceptallofferings.blogspot.com/2008/10/36_03.html
Posted by: herhimnbryn | October 10, 2008 at 01:20 AM
Love the sheets and the tree quilt is fab, I wonder what it would cost to ship here to me Australia?? I may have to find out as we have red in some small splashes in our bedroom.
Hoping for an Etsy store treasure someday.......
Posted by: Lynette Anderson | October 10, 2008 at 04:48 AM
those are wondrous wishes, nina, and one of my birthday wishes (which is two days after yours) will be that all of your wishes come true.
i love you.
w
Posted by: wendy | October 10, 2008 at 05:56 AM
oh Nina, have you ever tried to get in touch with Andy Goldsworthy? I don't know how possible it is to reach someone of his magnitude, but a collaboration with the two of you would be magical. I love Rivers and Tides, and like to say, with an accent of course, "A river of sheep" as he does.
Happy soon-to-be-birthday! May your dreams (in your new beautiful sheets) come true!
Posted by: s. | October 10, 2008 at 07:10 AM
What magic wishes, I'm sure you'll achieve them Nina, you've achieved so much already. Happy birthday for next week too. You could have your own tea ceremony on your deck, with the autumn leaves it reminds me very much of Japan
Posted by: ro bruhn | October 10, 2008 at 08:09 AM
Nina
What a wonderful list, I hope that all your dreams come true. You will never disappear because you are loved by so many.
xo
Bonnie
Posted by: Bonnie Moench | October 10, 2008 at 09:59 AM
oh dearest heart!
how can these readers not be moved by the outpouring of your gentle visions.
even at the tender age of 41, i find myself deeply contemplating the directions of my everyday... where do i want to be here, now... today... tomorrow... weeks.. and years from now.
what desires and wonderings will simply fade into the background of my thoughts and which will move to the forefront.
i have been both comforted and stirred by a quote i read recently, from Rudolf Steiner, "may my thinking be creative and fill the world with light"
i feel a great need to embrace this mantra and examine my choices more closely.
i want to be that light, that brilliant glow of love and compassion, of kind words, deeds, filled to the brim and overflowing with creative fervor. I want to share and experience moments of profound inspiration and revel in the joys of friendship and love.
what a full life indeed... that we lead... by recognizing and striving toward our dreams
xo always!
Posted by: Tracie Lyn Huskamp | October 10, 2008 at 11:57 AM
What a great 'wish list' to take with you going forward Nina. It's nice to feel comfy in your own skin and yet still have dreams, aspirations and thoughts of all the wonder to come!
So glad I was able to chat a little with you at AnS, it's always special to share a hug!
xox
Marie
Posted by: Marie | October 10, 2008 at 12:30 PM
i hope your wishes have wings...and that they fly high with you always. don't know exactly what's going on, but i've felt uncharacteristically unsettled the past few days...sleep hasn't come easily. reading your post has helped me take some deep breaths and think....exactly what is it that i'm so afraid of? look at where we've been....and then look at where we hope to go....and how we'll get there....the hardest part is taking that first step. we choose to go forward, or we choose to stand still....i think i prefer forward. thanks for helping even though you didn't know. see there, that takes care of #20...check it off! xo :)
Posted by: Tina in McLeansville | October 10, 2008 at 01:14 PM
Thank you, dear Nina - I have just turned 57, was one of your grateful students at Art & Soul, and #21 brought tears to my eyes. I also hope to see forever.
Laurel
www.laurelsteven.blogspot.com
Posted by: Laurel Steven | October 10, 2008 at 01:37 PM
Dear Nina, you will never disappear. I know your spirit will live forever.
I'm turning 50 next year and I know how you feel. I made a list of 50 things I wanted to accomplish before my birthday, although my list sounds more like a "to do" list than yours. :-) I think we're never too old to continue growing and pursuing the things we want to do.
As for the book on your travels, please give some serious thought and time to making that happen. I would love to read a book about your travels, especially if it included your artwork to illustrate your journey or your feelings you experienced.
As for the spending time in the SW, why don't you contact the Sedona Arts Center in Sedona, AZ to see about teaching there? I know Claudine Hellmuth teaches there once a year, so I know they offer visiting artists classes. I think you would really love Sedona. I just wish I still lived in AZ to attend a class if you taught one there.
I offer all my best thoughts and wishes that you make all your dreams come true.
Posted by: Ariane | October 10, 2008 at 01:37 PM
here's to all your wishes coming true...and as for andy goldsworthy. he is my absolute favorite. i am so thankful to my sculpture prof who drove me up a wall in college with his ego - as the only thing i "got" out of his class - was the introduction to andy goldsworthy - a gift i have been thankful for ever since.
xo
Posted by: sperlygirl | October 10, 2008 at 02:29 PM
Nina, thanks (again and always) for being such an inspiration! Loved reading this. As for your sojourn in the southwest, may I suggest New Mexico in late September/early October? I lived in Albuquerque for six years, and I so miss autumn there. And you must witness the Balloon Fiesta (first week of October) at least once in your life -- absolutely spectacular.
Posted by: Judy Merrill-Smith | October 10, 2008 at 03:09 PM
Nina,
It was a pleasure to meet you at vendor night, and have you complement me on my necklace! Your words are beautiful, and have made me, at 60, want to start my list, while I am still young enough to accomplish it! For that, I thank you.
Posted by: Eunice | October 10, 2008 at 03:27 PM
What a wonderful list. I love to view your blog, it truly is inspiring and life affirming. Oh do read Moby Dick, I love reading but for some reason never read it until I was in my 40s. I loved it, I think its the kind if book that is different things to different people and different at different parts of your life. I'd love to see what you think. Thanks for your thoughtful meditations and beautiful work. Mary
Posted by: mary cooper | October 10, 2008 at 03:39 PM
Welcome Home, Nina! You list is so wonderful and very thought provoking. I can, with certainty say that in regards to number 25 on your list... you will never disappear. Too many people love and respect you and your work for you to ever be able to disappear.
Love and Blessings,
~*~
Posted by: Laura | October 10, 2008 at 03:44 PM
ok...dear one...can i copy and paste this for my life's wish list for my 50th in a couple of weeks? i'm so kidding....but, sweetie...these are damn good! i have been thinking about where i am...how i got to this point! and just how i want to live out the rest of this life o'mine! love you...and sending....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm's...as always!
Posted by: annie lockhart | October 10, 2008 at 04:22 PM
I love your list and intend to make one soon myself, maybe tonight. Andy Goldsworthy and labyrinths--yes!
Posted by: Star | October 10, 2008 at 05:40 PM
Judy is so right--you must go to Sedona but not to work...just to BE.
Each time I visit but most especially the first time, i was so changed that there was a radiance which was remarked on by strangers.
Your bucket list is wonderful. OK, OK, I get it, universe--make mine and start ticking stuff off. HA! Back to you, Nina~ you must do what you fear to do and I just know that you will exceed your doubts.
Loved the photo of your lovely eyes! Super, just super.
Well, before I gush anymore..welcome home and be blessed.
NB. You cannot ever disappear--for if just one person remembers your name--you still live.
Peace, xoxo
Sassi
Posted by: Shirley | October 10, 2008 at 06:10 PM
PS. And the sheets are amazing. As is Mr. Goldsworthy.
~S
Posted by: Shirley | October 10, 2008 at 06:12 PM
good, good dreams and wishes..
xoxo nita
happy early birthday..
Posted by: red tin heart | October 10, 2008 at 09:04 PM
good night, sleep tight, sweet wishes to you...25 dreams and aspirations to honor 50 years and the many, many to come...xo
Posted by: heather bradley | October 10, 2008 at 10:03 PM
oops...52 years, but my dear you don't act a day over 25! *smile* (would love to be reminded of the exact date...my date book is out and pen is in hand!)
p.s. libras rock!
Posted by: heather bradley | October 10, 2008 at 10:07 PM
Such beautiful wishes, dreams, plans you have! Just to read them made me happy!
Posted by: Cindy Ericsson | October 10, 2008 at 10:33 PM
Oh Nina,
You have such a sweet soul. I am so glad to have met you last week in Portland and to have been able to learn at your side. You my dear are a blessing and a wonderful person. Thanks heaps and bunches for your open welcoming spirit. Happy Birthday cutie patutie!!!
Posted by: dede warren | October 10, 2008 at 10:44 PM
I often make "wish lists" to write all of my wishes on that time and what i am wishing from the future. everytime my wishes are granted i give thanks to the universe.
i wish nina that you will experience these things you wrote about! so many of them, where something i would want to experience as well!
Posted by: sepia art studio | October 11, 2008 at 05:35 AM
Nina, I have no sense of adventure...none. Staying married to the same man for 42 years and raising kids has been just about all the adventure I could handle. I wouldn't trade it though. I truly admire people, like you, who DO have that sense...and I love to read about your adventures. I suppose I am living vicariously through you. So, your list of things you'd like to do seem "out of my realm"....but I must tell you...the last four are on my own list and I, at age 64, am doing what I can to achieve them. Thank you, dear friend, for helping me to SEE. Pat
Posted by: Patricia Eaton | October 11, 2008 at 02:53 PM
Just a bit more: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I should have known you were an October child......me too! (October 18th).....I wish you the very best one ever and so many more we can't count them.
You are DEAR! Thank you so much for being YOU. Pat
Posted by: Patricia Eaton | October 11, 2008 at 02:59 PM
how is it that you know whats in my head....
but about Moby Dick - take a look at my-croft.blogspot.com Melanie is making art based on the book and it's wonderful... as usual thank you for your eloquent words and i still want to be you when i grow up.
Posted by: natalya | October 12, 2008 at 08:43 AM
PS Happy Birthday! my dad's bday is on the 17th, i love October...
Posted by: natalya | October 12, 2008 at 08:44 AM
Will you share your photos from 1983? I would love that.....
Posted by: Lynn | October 12, 2008 at 07:08 PM
so beautiful and moving. I am completely with you from no. 17 thru 25. Thank you for a lovely Sunday evening read.
Posted by: kelly henderson | October 12, 2008 at 11:44 PM
Do it! Grab as much of it as you can! You are going to be 52 - and I will be 62, trust me, don't wait.
XOX Cat
Posted by: Cat | October 12, 2008 at 11:55 PM
I pray all your dreams, wishes and hopes for the future come true very soon and by the way those sheets look gorgeous. I'd love those, imagining going to bed surrounded by such gorgeous sentiment. I also pray that the next year is powerful, inspirational and impacting in lots of new and unexpected ways, i have no doubt that you will continue to soar to new levels, based on the progress of the last two!!! Possibly for us, your blog followers and friends, a wish we all have is a book in the making from you - now that would be neat. Full of Nina-isms, that lovely flavour you have and spin on life - some how to's, some poetry, some photography, some journal extracts, some guest artists - go on Nina, you can do it!!! You are mighty, I love you and happy birthday my dear. You deserve so much goodness. What you sow you reap! Keep sowing all this good seed. Its all wonderful and good and welcome.
Posted by: rachelle | October 13, 2008 at 12:53 AM
what a gorgeous post nina. i don't think anyone ever disappears, especially *you*. it was such a joy to spend time with you last week, can't wait to do it again someday soon... :)
Posted by: cori | October 13, 2008 at 10:45 PM
nina i love how you have the courage to WANT so much. reading your list made me a little bit sad that i don't WANT more for myself. you are a true believer and your wanting gives me hope. i also admire and love the sara palin thing up at the top of your blog.
i live alone and love the solitary life, but i hear you sister, i hear you when you talk of loneliness.
Posted by: Heidi | October 20, 2008 at 01:38 AM
Wow, what a wonderful list!!!
I've written mine, im always adding to it. Some of them are more important to me than others... mostly there for experience and growth. Some are to help others.
Who knows if i will really ever do them? x
Posted by: Holly - UK | October 31, 2008 at 07:58 AM
Simply yes! at almost 51 myself. Thank you
Posted by: Ronda | January 17, 2010 at 10:38 AM