light and dark and the mist in between

i've been so negligent here.  please, all, forgive the gaps, the silence, the empty space.  i find it hard to separate a small pocket of minutes to sit here and attempt to sort my feelings out in front of all of you.  but to sit down and write about what seems trivial - spring flowers, birds' nests, a new pair of glasses (after eight years of the same ones i am thrilled, i will say) - seems forced right now.  i feel like time has both sped up and slowed down to a crawl - like there is no accurate measurement of the hours, the minutes, the days.  time seems to be a vague concept, nothing else.  i know this makes no sense.  life makes no sense.  does anything?  'm beginning to think nothing does, anymore.  what a grand ride it is, though - roller coaster and all.  i've been down in alabama for going on three weeks - was home after artfest for all of two brief days before leaving the budding green spring of firefly road and driving down to the deeper south, where spring had fully exploded.  i missed seeing it come out across my beautiful mountains bit by bit, along the edge of the river, and that makes me sad.  a lot of things make me sad right now, but a lot of things make me feel enlightened and wiser and upbeat as well.  i feel aware.  that can't be a bad thing at all.  ever.so much good has come of this time i've had with treasured family - with daddy who fades (and fades and fades), with my sister and mother by my side all day and every evening.  we've rallied together, this little clan of mine, and in the middle of loss and grief, the sort that comes so slowly with a loved one dying bit by bit every day, in the middle of that loss come quiet gifts as well.  embrace this time, i remind myself; try not to resent, to be frustrated, overwhelmed.  it is a balancing act, one i continue to work on every single day.  it is difficult to live with myself on the best of days; i can only imagine what it is like to have me as a daughter, a sister, who is venting and stumbling and expressing every emotion that comes this way.  but, i am here, and i express my love, and i smile and try to sit quietly in the close presence of my mother, of my father.  i walk the dogs, muster sandwiches for our lunch.  daddy does not eat.  he is eating nothing by now, barely drinking two sips of this or that.  on friday morning, three am, my sister and mother and i all rose, quiet as mice, and turned on the tv to watch the royal wedding of a handsome prince unfold.  it was dark, so dark, outside the french doors, and it felt decadent to be setting out ellen's waterford champagne goblets, the scalloped cucumber sandwiches mama had made, the scones with strawberries and double cream.  pots of english breakfast tea were brewed, tiaras out, a veil draped across the top of the tv.  what a girly party it was, the three of us in pajamas, eating english tea party fare at four and five am. 
straws were drawn to see who would wear the veil when champagne was poured for the royal kiss (picture ellen and me, still in pajamas and barefooted, standing out in the driveway as the day opened up, struggling to pop the cork at 630 am); guess who was the lucky girl? she insisted on passing on the privilege for a moment to a very patient isaac, bless his heart.it was a wonderful thing to sit there with my mother and sister, leaning forward for a closer view in that middle of the night dark, watching as the day slowly dawned, dewy and  clean, hopeful and bright.  it felt good to witness something magical and good, full of promise as it happened across the ocean, there on the tv in our living room. and, from the bottle's wire top, a chair.  a tiny royal keepsake chair.
 
i'm sure by now that you've all heard about the horrendous tornados that ripped through the south, and hovered over parts of alabama.  we weathered the heavy winds and rain, secured the wildly swinging hanging flower baskets, the tender new vines of confederate jasmine growing on twine that my mother has laced along the side of the french doors leading to the patio.  it was a long afternoon, evening, and even longer night of watching live videos of massive black twisters tearing through what was once a neighborhood in the heart of tuscaloosa, north and west of here.  whole towns are gone; the death toll continues to quickly rise.  my heart aches for those who suffered loss; my heart aches for so many.  so many.  i want to run an auction for a necklace with proceeds to go to the appropriate places - red cross? - and when there's time i'll share that here with you.  i have a necklace i made a month ago, into which i hammered the word "survivor".  that seems appropriate, now.  if i can ever get things together - when?! - i will.

one final message here of goodness, and hope.  my beautiful son roy graduates may 14 from the university of north carolina in wilmington's film department, on the coast of beautiful north carolina, and i will be there, come hell or high water.   and hopefully, so will my wonderful sister.  a prouder mother of two fine young men, there has never ever been.  xo photos by a friend of roy's in wilmington

Comments

[mary]

I can only continue to send prayers and strength. It is so wonderful to see the smiles on all your faces.

xxoo

[Tina in McLeansville]

dear one, you are doing what you must, the only way you know how...the best you can. that's all any of us can do. your royal tea party sounds like the perfect medicine...and i can imagine it was such fun. :) don't worry about not being here as much as you think you should...as i've said before....we'll be here....waiting patiently. because we know. and big congratulations to roy! hugs to you all...xoxo

[Maggie]

I can't tell you how glad I am to read this post. I don't even know you (exactly), but I've been WORRYING. Love your tea party (your mother is amazing) and wow, your son looks like he's on the way to fame and fortune.

[Denise S.]

Nina I really enjoyed all your pictures today.You 3 girls look like you had a wonderful time at your Royal Wedding party.
Your Daddy looks peaceful,I hope he is.

Way to go Roy. I know how proud you are of both your young men. Glad you weren't caught up in any of that awful weather. I just could not believe the destruction,so sad.

[abigail]

so thankful to hear you are weathering ALL the storms of life, and finding beauty in the ashes, counting your blessings, and pressing in close with your clan at such a time as this. everything else is being cared for..."in quietness and confidence is your strength"

[Loretta]

So wonderful to see you girls enjoying a moment of silly togetherness replete with champagne and crumpets. It is the vitality of your spirits shining through the darkness that lights up my monitor during some bleak days of our own. Blessings again along the journey for all of you dear friends.

[Mary G.]

Dear Nina -- Your post expressed it all so perfectly . . . we know in our hearts the outline of what is happening (tho' not the details) and why you are not posting to your blog. Still, I appreciate the posts that you do have the time and willingness to make. Your family remains in my prayers in the meantime. Safe travels to Wilmington in a few short weeks for the proud and happy day.

[sandra]

mmmmmm
bitter and sweet...
the tastes of life

loved all the pictures and your thoughts...

glad to hear you and your family were safe. there is enough going on right now.

take care now

xxoox

[Jamie V]

Nina - you are a treasure! You and your wonderful family. What a gift you are to each other! I love your girly party for the wedding. I was brought to tears by your celebration. And your son, graduating from college! It seems these boys were just in high school! I wish you peace and love, as always. Jamie V in MT

[Valerianna]

NIna - thanks so much for this generous post in the middle of so much! The wedding watching tea-party looks so enchanting, what a wonderful thing you did. Can't imagine the depths of everything for you right now. Many blessings from the northern woodlands....

[judy Wise]

I admire your spirit, Nina. What a lovely, lovely family you have. Carry on. xo

[gina armfield]

now if ONLY Roy were cute!

[julie whitmore]

So many hills and valleys, and you are the girls to climb and maybe stumble, but never stopping til you reach the top
xxx

[susan]

Thank you for this post, Nina. Sending you love and prayers for the days ahead.
Best wishes to Roy as he begins a new journey. Enjoy his graduation day.

xo dusan

[Dale]

Nina- You have been in my thoughts since the day you had to leave Artfest to get home to Alabama. I can only imagine you felt pulled in many directions at that time. Yet, you look like you are where you need to be. The royal tea party looked to be a success! I really enjoyed my class with you and enjoy looking over my book of affirmations. It's a little thing but I am so pleased that I now know how to string pearls now. Congratulations on Roy's up coming graduation. hugs and prayers. Dale

[Kelley]

I have been thinking about you and your silence over this past month. I have hoped you were keeping company with your folks and spending these last hard weeks with your Dad. I know they are not easy, but you are where you need to be. My heart goes out to you and am sending wishes of strength and peace your way.

The tornadoes that swept through our South this past Wednesday were not easy as our sirens went off and so many of our towns were ripped apart. I'm thankful that you and yours made it through safely.

[beth]

your strength and honesty is shown here...and prayers and thoughts are still being sent south to all of you....

[Dinahsoar]

I love that you celebrated the royal wedding and the way you did it in spite of the sadness you are enduring. Beauty amidst the ashes. Life goes on in spite of the hardness and trumps dying and death. Your daddy is transitioning from this world and you are learning to let him go. As he slips away you must stay behind. So hard and painful to do. But knowing that in time you will join him--once again be reunited on the other side--softens the blow.

[Linda Byrd]

Oh Nina what a beautiful post. I love the tea party for the royal wedding, and wish I had thought of something so wonderful and whimsical. I would say hold your dear ones close, but I know you already do. Keep your strength of heart -- I have been where you are and I can honestly say, these are special days though it hurts now.

[cynthia]

What a perfect diversion, your celebration party along with the Royal Wedding. Stay strong, Nina. I know some of what you're going through, having experienced similar things when my dad died 20 years ago. Now my mother-in-law's decline is quickening. The quiet moments and the occasion funny distractions help us through. I'll be thinking of you.

[Mary]

I'm thankful, and grateful to you, for taking time to post Nina. I've checked daily, thinking the worst, but now know how things are going for you. Although the sadness is there, I love how you, mom and sis, came together to have a really fun time yesterday morning! I was up too but only had 3 cups of coffee - and I'm a Brit for goodness sake!! Loved it all though.

Prayers continue for your Daddy...........and for all the people whose lives have been turned upside down in the devastation in Alabama and other southern states.

Hugs - Mary

P.S. I leave for England next week - will take my laptop and be checking in on you dear.

[L. M. Davies]

Connections, Nina. Father to daughter, sister to sister, mother to son, daughter to mother, thought to thought, heart to heart, hand to hand, friend to friend, all the serendipities that join one to another - these are the things I find most important. Thanks for the reminder. My heart goes out to you in this journey of Life. We none of us get out of it alive, but oh, what a ride!

[Renate]

Good to hear from you, Nina. The path of life - so many turns and twists...
Sending much love.

[Sue]

So lovely to read your post today. I have been looking in and wondering if you were ok, especially after seeing the news of Alabama on TV.
Stay strong dear Nina, and be honoured that you are able to be with your family through this difficult time.
Thinking of you, Sue xo

[Penny]

Nina what a lovely post, it has everything, your love for your father, your mother and sister and son, watching you watching the wedding made me smile, and your worry about those going through tornadoes. I would love you for a friend.

[lizzie]

I think there's such beauty and dignity in your and your family's approach to what you're going through, and you still celebrate a faraway prince's marriage. To eloguently express all this is an ability I hope gives you positivism and may you have strength and feel loved as you travel this path ♥

[Barbara Lewis]

In the midst of loss, I'm glad you could enjoy some child-like innocence and wonder over the Royal family wedding. Congratulations on raising a fine son ... it's not easy to do. :-) Enjoy the fruits of your labor and glow in the fact that you're his mom!

[Emily]

I'm so glad you checked in with us. So thrilled to see you celebrating a wonderful event with your mother and sister, despite the sadness of your father and his condition. He wants you to carry on. And, congrats to Roy! Wishing you some good days Nina!

[Lisa Williams (Farmladys sister)]

Dear Nina, Like so many I have been checking your blog,hoping you are ok. My own memories of what your going through are still fresh for me. The overwhelming and confusing emotions you feel. Remember the first linefrom Dickins' Tale Of Two Cities. " It was the best of times , it was the worst of times," There's your beautiful son who's life is shiny and new and your father whos end of time as special dirt draws near. Seeing you with your father reminds me of the intensity of love and sadness you must feel now.Remember, be kind to yourself, you are loved and you love.That is all that really matters. Lisa

[missy]

Dear Nina, thanks for taking the time to post.Been checking everyday. I don't have any special words for the 'mystery' that is the journey of life. I think Lisa said it BEST.....the best of times-the worst of times. Hold on to your 'awareness'.
Missy from the bayou

[Michelle @ Give a Girl a Fig]

I know what you mean about time...it seems to happen while waiting for a loved one to...transition? Is that too cold a word? When my grandmother was in the hospital...and on "comfort care"...time had no meaning to any of us. We stood vigil...stayed by her side...one of us or another...or ten! Then we'd go outside...to the "real world"...and wonder how everyone could just go about their day...didn't they know we were losing our loved one?

On a happy note...LOVE the photos of Roy...doing what makes him HAPPY. Oh I pray my boys follow their hearts...

My prayers are with you and your family..xox

[Lori Burek]

Nina,
Good to "hear" from. Ah the things that life throws at us. Hugs to everyone! Lori B.

[sandy in california]

Nina,
I "check in" with you daily. When there's no new post, I feel no neglect. You are without a doubt where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.
Hugs to you and your family,
Sandy in CA

[Libby Ingram]

Thanks for writing to us. Many thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this tender time.

[Elizabeth Woodford]

Nina you sound so wonderfully grounded allowing yourself to travel through all of the incredible emotional swings you are experiencing. Youa re so right that, there is good and bad in all of it. Sending prayers and blessings to all of you!! What a fabulous time to spend the wedding with your best girl friends!! So lucky that you were all together when the horrendous storms went thru so close by!!!!!
After living for 6 years in central OK we never saw a tornado- now living here in Stafford VA- near Fredericksburg, we had one set down in our neighborhood on Wednesday!!! No damage nor destruction and death as is Alabama, thank goodness. I look forward to hearing about your auction!!!
So glad that you have Roy's graduation coming along to look forward to!!!
Big Hugs!!!
Elizabeth

[jill]

So nice to hear an update. I will cont. to pray for you. I can see why you are so proud of your son! Really times where words just fail...

[Patti]

So good to learn that you are still hanging in there, Nina!
I've been thinking of you and hoping you are well.

I was driving to Virginia for Art & Soul during your wedding tea party, but I think maybe your way was better. You should see my nails after a day of painting with Misty!

Congratulations to Roy! We both have sons graduating from college this May.

Thoughts & Prayers
Peace & Light

[nelda ream]

What wonderful memories you are making in the midst of tragic circumstances. You will always have them to cherish. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. Congratulations to Roy, your own little prince, on his graduation.

[Bonnie]

NINA, what a beautiful, creative and fun, memorable way to celebrate the royal wedding.
Even when we are grieving & sad it is still important to enjoy the gift of each day. I wish I had been there with the 3 of you. Your gorgeous
photos made me feel like I was there. Say hello to your mom & dad & Ellen. Congratulations to Roy. Something for you to look forward to.

[sue in melbourne]

so glad to know you're okay - I have been worrying (a little bit)............

[Michele Unger]

Thinking of you from Beijing. I hold in my hand a humble little pebble, for you. lt will come your way, when I return, from the Great Wall. I found it at the foot of a wild violet, blooming away quietly, just at the foot of the WALL. I'll send a print of my photo of the violet along with your pebble.

XO

Michele

[Joei]

Thoughts, wishes, love and prayers.

[Judy Merrill-Smith]

You had a beautiful party in the midst of it all! Such a wonderful way to celebrate life. Hugs for you and yours, Nina.

[Gena]

I've been thinking of you Nina and your family when watching the news of the devastating destruction in Alabama. While I'm sad for the lives lost and all the loss everyone has had to endure, I'm glad you and your family are safe.
I'm happy you got to steal some moments to watch the royal wedding. It was 1 am here when it started so I Tivo'd it.
Congrats Roy!

[Susan U]

Sending hugs & prayers. Thanks for keeping us informed... we will keep being your army of prayers and supporters! Blessings, Susan

[gigi]

So good to read this post. Lovely!

[Deb]

You are never far from my thoughts, Nina... having traveled this same difficult road with my own Mom and Dad, I know what a bittersweet time it is - savor the moments. xo Deb

[ilene harris]

I Love,love, absoultely love the pictures from your royal wedding tea party. My 4 year old granddaughter - who is enamored with princesses, like many of her young friends - was very reflective on this day of real princesses. She asked her mother, my daughter, whether or not real princesses know "everything". My daughter honestly answered, "No, they don't know everything". Lindsay repeated the question, this time asking about queens, kings and finally our own president. The answer was always the same, "No they don't know everything". After a thoughtful pause, Lindsay said, "You know, Mom, sometimes I feel like I know everthing". Ah, the self-confidence of a 4 year old...

[amy]

that feeling you describe of life making no sense, of nothing making any sense...oh, i so understand that feeling. for different reasons, under different circumstances of course, but that feeling...it is such a weighty, awful thing. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, much less someone i consider a dear friend and mentor. so excited to see tho, that in the midst of everything you all did capture the beauty of the royal wedding and even celebrate it! so fun! as everyone seemed to complain about all the fuss all i could think was "we need this". "we need this beauty, and love, and goodness, let's embrace it". so grateful you did!
my love and prayers are with you and your beautiful family each and every day!
oh! and congratulations to roy! what an accomplishment!! and i just know it will be a grand time since the 14th is the birthday i had said i wasn't gonna have this year...but i now feel so grateful for it. so i'll be celebrating with ya'll!
xoxo

[Susan]

Hey Nina, so happy to read your words today and see your lovely face and those of your sweet family, too. I've had you on my mind even more than usual with the scary storms in the South. Y'all sure are a pack of strong, beautiful women and that boy of yours looks like he is ready to take on the world!
All my best to you, always.

[judy]

Nina! Your lightheartedness about the joyous time with your Mother and sister has made me smile! I know that the doing and telling of it made the three of you smile too..... that is good!!

I was so glad to know you were safe..

[Richelle]

so glad to see you.. :)
the dog with the veil was priceless..
it made me smile (first time today actually!)

[lilylovekin]

I'm so glad you all could still touch your silly playful side, and get up in the wee hours of the morning to watch a prince get married! It was a show full of love, happiness, and new beginnings. It has made me feel good for days, I'm sure it made you feel lighter.

[Monica]

Nina, I think of you often during this time in your life and I'm so happy you are making time to celebrate the beauty Life offers, wherever it comes...but that is what makes you, YOU! You embrace ALL of Life, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and you manage to capture those moments, all of them, in the Beauty that you create in your amazing jewelry, as well as capture them in your words here at this blog.

You are an amazing woman of grace and inspiration Nina - don't ever forget it =-)

[Judi]

I am so glad you got to do something frivolous, fun, magical, female and joyful. And with such wonderful women (and one cool dog). I'm sending you a continual stream of love as you dance this last dance with your father. Be blessed.

[Jennifer Morrison]

See, the funny thing about Spring is that she's faithful. She keeps coming back every year. You will see her unfold on your mountains next year. And I don't think you'll ever regret this time you're having now - despite how frustrating, confusing, painful or melancholy it may seem. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. But hang in there anyway - thoughts are with you.

Congratulations Roy!

[Sharon]

~you are extraordinary~

[Jolee]

It's wonderful to see beautiful women taking time to enjoy each other's company. You're a good daughter, a good sisiter, a good loving mother, a good friend to all even if you don't know us all personally.
And above all else - a good, good woman!

[Kelly]

So many thoughts but can't seem to be able to put them in words. The sweet picture of you and your daddy brought tears to my eyes. You and your family continue to be in my prayers. CONGRATS to Roy!

[carole]

I've been thinking about you and your family. Wondering. My thoughts are always with you.

[valerie.cordell@btinternet.com]

Hello Nina,
I read your blog this morning here in England,
I thought maybe you would like a souvenir royal wedding pull out, from one of our daily papers.
If you would like to E-mail me i will be happy to send it to you.
I feel your grief,and understand the love you have for your family.
You must keep strong,and not sink into dis pare,For yourself and the rest of your life.
Best regards,Valerie

[Judy]

Dear Nina,

You are a brave and beautiful being...I have great admiration for your Spirit...

Love and blessings to you and your Dad as he transitions now to a space of wonder that is awaiting his arrival "home."

Love, Judy B

[sue pieper]

This post had more than a few things that hit home, things that I can relate to so much right now. Time really is a wierd concept and doesn't mean much to me either right now-except that it's going by so quickly & I don't want to miss anything. The other point that hit home was when you spoke of being sad, and yet good coming from it as well. So true, make sure you soak up that good. For myself, I'm using this time to see folks that I need to see(most but not all-like you!) and get to say what needs to be said, etc. But most of all, I get to truly sit back & enjoy watching spring happen, listen to the birds, watching the plants come up, and knowing that I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing right now-living! I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this, but at least you've found a bit of a silver lining. Love you, my friend!

[Jessica W.]

Many congratulations to your son on his achievement! And healing hugs to you.

(New glasses here, too - it's been 7 years for me.)

[Debi]

this is late. i had no idea. we have been walking the same paths and i haven't been here, have hardly been at my place. i didn't know.

my mom's final journey began on feb. 7 and i ended it with her on feb. 28, my hand laid across her heart. i still search for the words to write of something else, but such a big hurt takes up a lot of room in your soul and your heart, and there is nothing you can do about that. you write about what is.

my heart is with you in your loss.

[Alice]

You are an inspiration ~ your candor ~ your acceptance ~ your tea party in the midst of sadness. By now, your son is graduated ~ and I'm sure lots more has happened ~ know that we think of you ~ and hope you take strength from us out here in blogland!