lost

  i have been wandering around this house in which i live for the past 24 hours, trying to write a post in my head, not knowing how to put into words the broken record that has been playing there over and over and over again.  i'm sick of hearing the inner dialog circling 'round my mind, and can imagine how very tired you must al be of what i have to say.  this feels like a whirlpool that doesn't want to end.  for months - two of them, two long drawn out months - we've woken every day feeling that it would be daddy's last.  the day passes, a balance of muted and jangly, and the day somehow manages to draw to an end once again.  then in the morning we get up and do everything all over again.  after being in alabama for three weeks and two days, i forced myself to load an overstuffed car, after saying an extremely difficult and tearful goodbye to daddy, and drove the six long hours back to the mountains of north carolina.  as i rounded a curve on firefly road just before dusk, a hawk flew directly at eye level across my path in front of the car, clutching a dangling rabbit.  what, i thought, could that possibly mean? a minute later, when i finally got out of that overloaded car and walked up to the front door with the first load of bags, i stopped short:  the screen door was closed, but the wooden one was wide open to the rest of the world.  briefly, stupidly, i thought that someone with a key must have been kind enough to come and open the house, to bring in fresh air for my arrival.  i walked inside, looked over to the sliding glass door that was now removed from its tracks and propped against the antique pedestal that stands there in its light.  oh, noooo, i slowly wailed.  my eyes swept over - deja vu - to the table that holds my flat screen tv, and noted that the tv - the one i'd purchased after the first - FIRST - robbery, back in late september of 2009 - was now gone.  in its place was dust, and random stacks of dvds.  in the bedroom, drawers were open, and the contents of tin boxes and small wooden chests of drawers were tossed onto the bed.  well, i finally thought, at least there is no shattered glass to sweep up and throw away (glass that still surfaces from under the sofa, from the fringe of the rug); at least the mess was kept to a minimum.

i cannot stand this.

no one should have to suffer a violation like this twice in eighteen months' time.

NO ONE. 

i have two very compassionate neighbors who were in touch with me, who responded to my frightened phone calls immediately with concern, with phone calls and visits and follow up phone calls the next morning.  this helps so much.  thank goodness for those who show do compassion when i am frightened on top of sad.

anyway.

around noon yesterday, seventeen hours after i walked through the open door, mama called with the news that daddy had suffered yet another setback, with an inability to clearly speak, with deepening weakness and signs of life fading from his beautiful eyes.  he is sleeping most of the day and night;  morphine is being administered.  surely this beloved member of our little family can't be forced to suffer anymore, but we've thought that for over two months.

i had to come home on friday, as much as i wanted to stay; my departure had already been postponed three different times.  but this place no longer feels like home.  it feels like a glass fish bowl sitting up on this hill, in broad view of whichever bad person out there wants to walk back in through broken doors and take things that are not his or hers.  it does not feel safe, in the least.  and it certainly doesn't feel like it is mine.  i'm walking a shaky tightrope between here and there, wanting to be with my family, with a disappearing daddy and an exhausted mother, but wanting to be where i can feel completely at ease and at home.  the lawn mower is refusing to start, and i noticed yesterday that the gasoline can my best friend julie filled with gas for me is now missing from the carport, taken - i am sure - by the thief that crossed through these two doors.  nothing feels safe - not life, not a house that no longer feels like home.  the sliding door has been set back into its track, thanks to my sweetheart of a neighbor, dave (remember him from thanksgiving; his heart is huge, and dear), who came and sat with me until ten pm friday night, simply to be here with me so i could get settled in relative calm.  but the lock no longer works.  who knows when it will be repaired.  come on in, anyone who wants to plunder while i am gone again next week; be my guest.  come on in and rifle through my things and see if there is something that might suit you, something that can be pawned for money, something that can be used to fill your pockets with things that you think you may need.  drugs?  surely, drugs.  i can't think of whatever else would motivate someone to violate another's simple need for quiet privacy.

i don't know where i will be going next.  i'm scheduled to drive the seven long and lonely hours across this state to wilmington, for roy's pending graduation; but i may, before that, be driving straight back down the six hours to alabama, should daddy finally pass away before then.  that seems likely, at this point.  work desperately needs to be done, including workshop proposals with deadlines of may 31.  jewelry waits to be designed, letters need to be written, phone calls returned.  i can't seem to find the time or the clarity to handle a single one of these things.  the to-do list grows longer, yet here i sit, infusing typed words with emotions that are anything but positive.  i'm angry, sad, confused, frustrated, heartbroken.  mix that with feeling immensely proud of my sons and of what they have accomplished all on their own, and perhaps the concoction is one that will go down without a fuss. 

i cannot lie.  my strongest feature is the fact that i wear my crazy heart right on my sleeve; it is, as i said, my strongest trait, but not always my best.  no one ever has to wonder what happens to be on my mind, or the mood i am allowing to saturate me through and through.  if i were wise and not quite so raw, i'd delete this entire post.  i could, instead, show you pretty pictures here; i could write about the way that the trees have fully flushed out into a riot of green in my absence, i could tell you at length how i long to hear the first woodthrush song of the season.  i could scramble to write more frequent posts to keep your interest going, i could tell you of nothing and everything.  but the motivation to do so is weak, the timing not its best.  i think at jumbled times like this of those very successful bloggers who talk at length about their work (and talk and talk and talk), and i recall reading - in the latest new yorker issue, no less - of one who will be having a movie made about her new ranching mom life with reese witherspoon in the leading role.  i read of those bright young bloggers who have heavily licensed their work into prints and laptop/phone skin designs, whose work is now printed into thousands of the same familiar images over and over and over again, sold in malls and shops across the globe.  more power to them, i have to say, but also there is the nagging question, what am i doing with this straggling life of mine, i ask myself, just what the hell am i DOING with this upside down and inside out mess of a life i haphazardly live?  i could be like that, ever striving to further my livelihood and career, to climb to the top with my business and my art; but i am hardly a driven person, i never have been.  i tinker in the quiet that surrounds me, i place my work from time to time online to sell, and carry it with me to teaching venues across these states and throughout the world.  i write these up and down words for you to read right here for free, because i am the sort of person who is open (to a fault) and because i like to share.  there will surely be a fallout from this post:   selfish me, to feel anger when violated, to feel narcissistic sadness when i think of losing my father, bit by bit by bit.  shame on me.  i have so much to be thankful for, i know this, believe me; i do.  this is a glitch, a hiccup, a skip in the groove.  i'll weather it, and move on at some point; i'll try to keep the frantic venting to a minimum, lest i offend someone by letting it be known how badly i feel. when crisis hits.  grace is not my middle name, although it is what my first name means, or so i've read.  there are always those who jump at the chance to chastise.  have at it, i say.  you will not be the first, nor will you ever be the last.  

big sigh.

that's where i am, this sunny mother's day.  the bags remain unpacked, the clothing grows wrinkled from being in a suitcase since, basically, valentine's day.  i need to unpack so i can pack all over again.  seasons have changed, the clothing is now inappropriate for warmer weather.  prescriptions need to be filled while i am in town, grass that is a foot tall needs desperately to be cut.  the dust that continues to gather in my absence has left a downy film on everything; level surfaces in this house are covered with things i can't bring myself to put away. 

it's all just stuff, everything i have mentioned here today, except the big topic of loss and fathomless grief.

there is, i remind myself, the exquisite and tender beauty in all of this; one day i'll remember that, and be able to separate it from the sadness, when the mist has finally cleared.  one day.  xx

ps.  on a much brighter note, look who has just shown up with a big grin on his face,  a full gas can in the back of his truck, to cut these five acres of grass.  there are sweethearts in this world, and i have one living right up the road from me.  thank you, dave brown.  thank you.  xo

Comments

[Jennifer]

Oh my word I'm so sorry. Once I walked into my sister's home to check on it while she was away and it had been robbed. I know that feeling of violation you're experiencing, wondering how anyone could go in and treat your things so callously. And during this difficult time for your family, I could not imagine that.

Hang on to those kindnesses of your neighbours, family and friends. They will lift you above it all.

[Tina in McLeansville]

NO! again?! thank goodness there were those willing souls who would be there for you this time. my heart hurts for you, dear friend. wishing i could do more than just spout words...but know that you are loved. hugs to you...xoxo

[sheila]

oh my dear, my dear. this is unspeakable.
sending so much love.
xxxooo

[susan]

Oh Nina, my heart aches for you.
My dad passed away in April and my father-in-law just last week. I understand your sadness so well.
But, now this - to have someone break into your home again - I can't even imagine how deeply hurt you must be.
Sending you love and prayers, and wishing I could be there to help.

xo dusan

[gill]

Nina - My prayers and thoughts are with you. Be strong xxx

[kathy vk]

oof - I do see how it may help sort some thoughts and emotions, but you are brave indeed to undertake this intensely thoughtful post.
love and long hard hugs - k

[Gayle]

I don't have words..and others will express them here to you far better than I could ever. I do want to address....."what are you doing with your life?" .....Years ago I came across a photo in a publication of a
piece of your art....it was a mirror, had tiny buttons all around it....do you remember? It was the piece that inspired me to try my hand at mixed media expression. Shortly after that when my son passed away that means of expression probably saved my sanity. What are you doing with your life? You are a teacher, and an inspiration. You are so much more than you will ever know. Peace to you.

[Lori]

Oh Nina,
I'm crying for you. After losing my mom this January, I can relate. You're exhausted - truly and deeply. It sounds as if it will be soon and he will be at peace. My busy-ness kept me totally occupied for several months after but now I'm dealing with the exhaustion and emotions. Take time to rest. Put things on the back burner that need to be on the back burner for awhile. Your friends and customers will understand. Take care. Peace to you.

[Margy Houtz]

Holding you in my heart....

[Jessica Porterfield]

I am so sorry. Please, please rethink your position of telling people when you are away from your home in your blog. Perhaps you don't feel that you can do that but my friends and I have talked in the past about what a risk you are running. Thank you and wishing you the best.

[Lennie]

There is a German proverb that says that in order to bury grief, plant a seed. I would suggest that your sharing of yourself -- not just your artistic knowledge but the sharing that occurs right here on your blog -- is indeed the constant planting of seeds. Have no worries that what you have accomplished so far somehow does not matter; it does. Have no worries that you will not continue to accomplish; you will. Do try not to compare yourself to others (I know, that can be hard!) because we are all unique and must walk our own path; someone else's journey is not yours, just as yours belongs only to you. And in the meantime, take care of yourself and do what you must do. As others, I too wish you much peace.

[Sherry Pollack]

Nina-
Several months ago I bought from you a beautiful pendant inscribed with the word "trust," a concept I have to remind myself over and over again to incorporate into my life. If you can, please borrow a little "trust" from me. Trust that you will be able to cope with the sad things happening around you; and that eventually (even if you can't imagine it) your life will settle into something live-able again. There's no reason to be hard on yourself for needing to vent on your blog. If people don't want to read about it, they can go to someone else's blog and read about some artists' licensed designs and efforts at self-promotion and whatever (not that there's anything wrong with that :)). You are living and openly writing about real life, and I admire you for it.

[Deb]

I wish I could just simply sit and hold your hand. My tears are for you today...xo Deb

[Cynthia]

I am so saddened to read of these challenges. It is surprising to read that you do not consider yourself to be driven. I revisit your blog because I love to see your new projects or read about your upcoming workshops. I am always inspired. Being the source of inspiration is such a gift and I am thankful for yours.

[Christina Trevino.]

The thief forgot to take
the love of my dog,
the warmth of my friends.

Christina Trevino.

I send you light.

[Valerianna]

I don't have words to say, but with such a intimate post, I don't want to be a voyeur. So much you are navigating... ease and peace to you.

[Laurel]

There are no words that can bring comfort or peace. Security or stability. But there are so many of us holding you in our thoughts, prayers, and light.

[Jess]

No no no!!! The worst of violations of Things, windows and doors can be replaced, but the thought that someone has ravaged through one's stuff of life...... unthinkably selfish and cruel!
It is so hard to see the horizon when one is down and life is too much, I sincerly hope the tide will turn soon for you and I for one, think it's awesome;Your sweet, raw poetic ramblings. Your work and your words are inspiring, never mind new ranching mombloggers, let them have their 15 minutes of fame....it won't stick..Happy Mothers Day Nina, love and bright lights coming your way. xx

[Mary G.]

Dear Nina --

When I saw that beautiful photo, my heart leapt into my throat and I thought, "Oh, no!" But your news, tho' bad, was not what I feared. It was a painful post to read.

I saw a lovely sliver of a moon on Thursday night and thought of you, and wondered if you had seen it.

I pray for you and your father and your dear family in their trials.

Life is difficult.

But then, bless your dear neighbor Dave and his goodness.

Jessica, above, has a point about not advertising the vacancy in your house, which makes it attractive to criminals (as a woman living alone, I take steps not to mention my travels on facebook, etc., until I am home, etc., etc.) -- but somehow I don't think the burglers are reading your blog. The lack of a car, the growing grass, knocking and receiving no answer more likely led to the crime of opportunity. While reading your post I wondered if I should offer to house-sit, but then why would you choose a complete stranger to keep criminals at bay? Still, maybe a house-sitter would not be a bad idea if you need to be in Alabama for an extended period of time, or even if it will relieve your mind while you are in Wilmington for graduation?

I just sigh and wish I could do more than simply offer up my prayers. Best wishes to you, dear Nina. And don't apologize for the post at all, or for your perfectly natural feelings. Of course you are in turmoil and wonder about what you are doing, "success," etc., etc. You are you, doing the best you can. And that is plenty good enough.

[Judy Merrill-Smith]

Nina, it's really inappropriate to wish you a happy Mother's Day, but I want to say this: thank you for being the wonderful mother that you are.

Next - I am so sorry you've had another break-in. It is too much. I would be pissed as hell - I'd be screaming and throwing things - so I understand the rawness of your post. (Thank goodness for Dave, though!)

I feel very honored and grateful that you trust your readers enough to put yourself out there. So many of us would be at your doorstep in a New York minute if we could be, and help you clean up and unpack and pack -

The pain of it all is here, and the pain will pass. That's what gets me through the tough days. You are brave, and I know you will get through. Wishing you much light and peace.

[sandra]

This country is "death" centered. Let me explain. I know that we love our loved ones but there is incredible pressure in this society to just stretch ourselves beyond belief when someone is ill. It seems we are reaching a place where only those with big money can afford to stop what they are doing, turn their life upside down and not have to feel guilty. Why? because the maids and butlers can take care of everything in their absence. This all makes me sick on so many levels. How can we live with a simple peaceful life yet give the care to relatives as though we have riches of kings and queens? I don't like what has happened to Nina. But you know, we all, who live peacefully on the edge could be forced into the same situation and have the vultures pick our lives apart in our absence. You don't know how many times I've felt as if my livelihood is just to have enough money for loved ones in case something happens to them. Yet I have to live too in the meantime and beyond. So we all need to do some soul searching about this thing called "love". What is it? How do we show it? How does one who depends on each and every check really deal with such crisis?
How do you do it and remain free to create? Please someone answer.

[Whosyergurl]

Dear Nina,
I remember when you were robbed the first time. I wrote to you, then. And now, robbed again in the midst of such an awfully difficult time in your life. My thought is always "They will get theirs." And I've seen it happen.
Stay strong, my sister. Celebrate your son's graduation, celebrate your dad's life. Look at the clouds and the branches of the trees, the birds in the nest and allow the sigh of a breeze to wrap its arms around you. hugs to you, Cheryl

[Mary K McGraw]

Reading your post my heart goes out to you. To have the heavy burden of the impending loss of your father on your shoulders and then for your home to be violated again is enough to send a person into an abyss of anger and sorrow. Plus the angst of wanting to be with your mother and yet your life needs to move forward.

I know that creating in the midst of crisis is a challenge. But sometimes it helps to work fervently, just to keep the mind from going around in circles.

Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that we are not alone in our feelings.

[Steff]

Nina, I just burst into red- hot tears reading this. First, for the rabbit (yes. It's true, no point lying about it). Then for you, and then, again and again, for your Daddy, even though I am pretty certain he has already started his walk across the bridge towards what I cannot imagine. If only I could take an ounce of pain from you, I would. I am blessed- I have yet to experience the emotions you go through, and I won't even pretend to know what you are going through. We have had our house burgled, and I have lost my grandfather (who was a father to me, really) when I was nine, but this raw pain I read in your post is a stranger to me. If it means anything, my heart goes out to you, Nina. As your neighbour, I would get you a new telly, water your plants, cook you a dinner and probably weed your garden, but as a total stranger, there is nothing more that can be done than sending you my thoughts.

[Sandy Clowes]

When I read your words I feel right along with you. Thank you for sharing your emotions even when life is getting you down.
You have every reason to be sad... hurt...angry...etc. Your blog is one of the most honest in all of Blogland. Hang in there like you always do and never lose heart. Sending hugs and blessings, Sandy

[Kym Hunter]

Sweet Nina, what a horrible thing to happen, on top of everything else that you are dealing with! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Gillian]

Nina each and every post that I read is precious and moving because it comes from deep within your heart and soul, that is why I come here. Please don't ever change that. I am deeply moved by your writing here, the days and weeks that your father stays on this earth, the struggles that you are going through with being torn and in limbo. The fact that in amongst all of this someone without an essence of decency has crossed the threshold into your home breaks my heart.

I remember reading, many years ago, the story of a family who had suffered a bereavement and were lost amongst their heartbreak and all the things that had to be done. On the day of the funeral the mother got up in the morning to find a row of shiny shoes in her porchway. Her neighbour, wanting to help in some small simple way had in the night cleaned and shined a pair of shoes for each family member without a word. For some reason that story has stayed with me all this time. I wish I could do something like that for you - an ocean between us, I wish there was something that I could do. but you are ever in my thoughts.

I am grateful for the words that you write here. I am grateful for the things you create even though I do not currently own any of your work. I am grateful that I am inspired by the life you lead. I often wonder about how much easier my life could be (financially) if I made certain decisions concerning my creative work, but I am bound my my character and desire for the marks of my hands to be on every single thing that I make. It will never make me more than a frugal living, but that is the choice that I have made. I am rambling, I know but if all that I can do is send you my love and thoughts then let them wing their way across the ocean to rest with you, xxx

[Martha]

I am so sorry for the turmoil that fills your life right now. Even one of the things you are going through is too much. I pray for your safety and peace of mind. I wish you strength and the knowledge that so many people care about you and have you in their thoughts and prayers.

[mary]

So many words of comfort to which I can only add my own heartfelt wish for you that there is peace at the end of this long hard road you have been travelling the last couple of months.

You are so beautiful in your writing and all this aussie woman wants to do is fling curse words around .. but I won't!

[Nancy from Fair Oaks]

I read your blog for many reasons but the biggest one is because you are a real person with a real life and you don't paint it any other way.

[Laura]

Nina I am truly at a loss for the right words to say to you right now, other than I feel for you and all you are experiencing at this awful time. I am glad you did not delete the post, it is cathartic to vent these emotions, anger, sadness, fear and uncertainty. Everything that happens in our lives moves us along a path, perhaps you are coming to a fork, a need for change of some sort. It will all settle out and be clear to you in due time. For now, feel what you feel, be safe, enjoy the accomplishments of your sons, hold your family close, be easy on yourself, breathe.

[Carolyn]

Dear Nina,

I am so sorry to hear all you are going through...I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Carolyn

[Debbie]

Oh Nina...my heart is with you.
Debbie

[Faye]

Nina I hope beyond all that you remember these few things:

To cry out (in anger, disbelief, pain, confusion) is nothing to give apology for. Your heart being so full and kind and open as it is, will burst (or worse) if you contain everything it faces now. Speak as you want, share as you need. Any who turn away, any who disapprove need not be considered.

Try as best you can to think and act in whatever course flows easy within you. The angst, lack of control, the unthinkable loss circle every corner of your heart right now. There seems no safe place to perch amid some storms. Embattled by the 'knowing' some changes, some repeated incursions leave a wrent that can never be rewoven to original is one of the most difficult lessons of living, of loving, of being part of humanity. So be gentle with yourself as the moments & magnitude of your ransacked home and your tattered-love-loss-father-heart seek uneasy altered reality.

By nature you are a thankful insightful soul. It's what so many of us respect and enjoy about you, your work, your writings. But remember you can be thankful and angry in tandem. Filled with love ~ yet broken.
Outraged ~ yet thankful. One emotion does not forbid the another. A complex dance this thing called life....

Last I leave you with this thought about your work & your pondering of the purpose of your path? You will likely never know the depth of what you have accomplished. Some live their art and success in gloss page fanfare. If that be their dream, sweet congratulations to them.

But others live their art, breath to breath, heartbeat to breath, planting seeds they may never see grow. Like an unfurling woodland fern ~ appreciated in a vastly different way. Little if any fanfare. Yet timeless, enduring, connected in a way fanfare cannot follow. One day when all the pieces settle you will (I hope) know that you/your work inhabit the enduring path.

Be strong, be angry, be whatever you need to be. Just promise to take care of yourself. For those you love & who love you certainly. But also to sustain your future self.

Sending deepest wishings that we could all do something more to help....

Faye

[herhimnbryn]

No words...... but sending you my love, dear one. xo

[beth]

okay universe....enough already. she's had more to deal with then anyone should have to....and to the person who robbed her this time or maybe again, could you kick him in the shins really hard...like enough to make him fall and fracture a kneecap or two.

i guess i should thank you for giving her such a wonderful neighbor in dave, but that's enough right now. could you make everything a bit smoother right now. really. is that too much ask for ?

{thinking of you nina.....xo beth}

[velma]

this is absolutely rotten. i am sad to hear that things are so hard for you. but poets/jewelers/hearts like you have a mandate to recover, and be well. you will. you know it will hurt like hell. and still you, this mother and daughter and mentor, will be well. eventually.

[Michele Unger]

Aching for you, for your grief and the violation of yet another robbery. I have been there and I ache for you for having to go through that pain.

XO

[Andrew Thornton]

Happy Mother's day! (Of course I know that you're a mother, but I think less of you as a mother and more of a dear friend.)

My heart goes out to your's. Your's has been battered and much abused of late. So many challenges and from every direction. I have been thinking about you much and been praying for you and your father. You have a circle of friends all around you and if there's anything you need, all you have to do is ask. My heart is with you!

[Jo]

I'm so sad for you, dear Nina. So much to bear and no relief in sight. Once again I wish I lived just down the road apiece so I could come over and do what I can to ease your load. I have some very unmerciful words to say about the guy(s) who violated your home; I'd love for them to get what's coming but it's possible they'll never be caught.
Bird by Bird, dear. Just do the next thing. Right now your heart is with your parents and with Roy; congratulations to that young man upon his graduation.

[Barbara]

I don't know what to say. I would hug you if I could. I would make you tea. I will hold you in my heart and in my prayers and hope that ounce by ounce your strength and honesty will grow. As so many have said here - you are real. Real. Thinking of all of you. Congratulations to Roy.

[Kate]

Nina,

Oh how awful is this to have to go through this again seems almost two much to take. Plus the loss of your father on the horizon. My heart reaches out to you from across the country. Wishing you some peace in this troubled time. Much love,

Kate

[LindaSonia]

Nina - sooo very sorry, so VERY sorry. I cannot image the devastation of being robbed/violated. Wish there was something I could but can only send you love to lift you out of the abyss that can sometimes be life. God's blessings be on you and your loved ones.

[Jamie V]

Oh, Nina. I have no words right now. How about letters...WTF?(sorry) How much is a person supposed to take? Damn. How I wish I had the means to hop on a plane right now to help you somehow. Hang on... and know you are getting big hugs. If there is anything AT ALL I can do to help you, even from Montana, I will do it! Love to you - keep being the strong person you are! Jamie in MT

[Jamie V]

PS - Love the photo of your 'shining knight' Mr. Dave Brown!!! Jamie V in MT

[Kelly Jeanette]

I'm in tears reading this, Nina. My prayers go out to you and your family. Know that you are loved and have many friends that care.

[julie whitmore]

Oh HELL!
Its just too much.
You have your mom, sons, your sis, and always your dad. And us too.
And lets not forget Dave, my hero too.
xxx

[Mary]

You must feel like Dorothy inside that tornado, so much swirling around and not knowing when or where you will end up. So, so sorry for all that is being thrown at you. I also wish I could help in some tangible way, but I will continue to keep you all in my daily prayers and offerings.

I don't think it is selfish to express your feelings either. Knowing you are blessed in so many ways doesn't mean you can't also feel anger, grief and unhappiness. You are living in the moment and that is what these moments bring. To everything there is a season.

And that last pic of Dave got the tears flowing. Offering up a prayer of thanksgiving for him too.

[Lynn in Tucson]

Nina, my heart goes out to you.

I neglected to tell you last week (and I apologize) that when I showed the slide of Water Babies during the presentation to my guild, a collective gasp came up from the audience. Your work brings so much joy to others; I hope you are able to whittle out a bit for yourself during this tumultuous time. Blessed be.

[sandra]

Nina...
I know you have to be hurting deeply. My angry words got away from me in a prior post. But it is so upsetting...I didn't post to add anymore to your pain.Physical distance from loved ones present so many problems, yet I understand the need for one to live as they want. But from every post I read I know you love your family whether you're able to be with them or not as much as you want or need to....You and your family are in my thoughts. You're too good for this...

[Chris Kerr]

Sending you love. Whispering my humble prayers that you might be comforted, guided, feel the love reflected back...the love you so freely give to us all.

[Boot!C]

sending you peace

[lisa]

Thank you for always sharing the real authentic life you are living. Life is not always packed up with bows or lovely pictures. I am hoping you and family find peace.

[halo]

sending love & light to you across the oceans. your words, even in sadness, are beautiful. as we say here in New Zealand: kia kaha (stay strong.)

[Linda]

Oh Nina, all of this is just so unfair. I am not great with words, just know that my thoughts are with you and your family. I am sending you big HUGS!

[beccajo]

nothing to add to the wise words above
except that i send my thoughts of love

[susanc]

Oh dear Nina, I am sickened by reading this and am so sorry. I know this doesn't help, but please know that I have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I send my love and virtual hugs. xxx

[Megan]

It can be very hard to understand how the universe works at times.
Be strong, much love. xx

[Michelle @ Give a Girl a Fig]

I don't know what to say...and honesty, nothing I might be able to conjure up sounds appropriate...

So...know that I am thinking of you...and praying for you and your family...and I am so sorry that in the midst of everything with your father, this awful thing happened. Again. I really am so sorry...

Dave Brown looks a good resemblance to an angel...

[PatriceM]

sending heartfelt wishes across the miles for your safety and peace of mind

[Tawnya]

Nina,
I know you have a tribe that you feel close to in these times, times that test your very sanity. But, also know that you have a community on the peripherie that looks to see if you have posted a new entry in your blog. (almost daily) Because we are drawn to you, your work, your words, your heart. We love you from a far and feel your pain from a far and wish with our hearts that you know that you are loved and that we wish with all our hearts that we could do something to make everything better. There are no right words for this.... But I can say that I care... you can fall apart, and you will always be loved.

I just recently took a class from you at Art Fest (fit for a king) my name is Tawnya and my crazy friend is Tracie (she took a class from you 2 days in a row). So, even virtual strangers care, we are all connected! I too as you can tell wear my heart on my sleeve.
I hope you can take some comfort in that even though there are bad beings out there, that there are others of us who live in the light
and feel your sadness, pain and joy too. Lots of hugs and more hugs!

[Janet]

You live in a quiet countryside yet some thief that no doubt lives nearby has to steal from you. What scum that walks around. Im so sorry to read this. It seems that no one is safe these days with these acts of randomness everywhere. But you know when I lived in Scotland in the tiny village I always felt safe. Im about to go to work soon possibly and already want to activate the alarm system we have here. My Son said last night why Mom? I said Lord bc we live in Houston! The girl at the station where I filled the tank of my truck up last night told me of the nuts she sees late at night at the station. I dont go around scared but I sure dont have any trust towards the scum that I knows out there. It makes you want to keep a kick A$$ dog or a few of them on your property.

Im so sorry to hear about your Father. Its times like these where you feel your heart will burst from the pain of dealing with the hurt. Oh Nina I too wish I could bring you dinners, watch your house when your gone and hug you and give you kindred huggs. Please hang tight. Many many huggs across these miles..with Love from Janet xx

[Julie Q]

Sorry to hear that your lovely space was violated yet again. I am sure Karma will come and kick those fools for touching your stuff.

It is so hard waiting for your Daddy, I had the same think with my own mum five years ago. In the end I had to clear my mind and tell myself that it was ok for her to go, if I couldn't make it after many a dash up north. In the end I got to be with my brother by my mothers side holding her hand while she slipped away. My dad was at the park giving the young grandkids a break in the winter air. I think that she went when she wanted and I can now only think how honoured I was to be able to kiss her goodbye, as so many friends have not had that chance.

Sending you hugs.

Julie Q
xxx

[missy]

Dear Nina,
so many wise and eloquent comments to help support you. I can only think to say that
even if we are just out here in the ether...we have your back.
missy from the bayou

[delila]

oh no, oh no!! how could someone do that, a second time??? how strange to come middle of the woods to rob people...

Nina it sad that you need to think how people will react on your writings, i think no one has a right to judge blog writings or response in negative way. how they could do that on a time like this??? you are able to write Nina what ever you want to, there absolutely is not need to think to write from joyful things when you feel down! write what ever you want, i believe it also helps to know that we are here reading and responding.

you are utterly utterly talented Nina, i think your gifts are to make jewelries. it is sad that you think you should do other things, just because what happens to other artists. you have such a unique talent.

bundles of love,
D.

[Vickie]

tears and understanding. love and kindness. all for you today I pray. you are like many of us in that we are forging a different path than some, with our single mothering, life paths and creative endevors and questing questions. wearing our hearts in the vulnerable sleeve position and wondering were it all will lead us in the future. also trying to read the signs along the way and glean the information, hoping helpful messages can aide us. sometimes it is unbearably hard. never fear letting your thoughts flow here, this is your blog and you can "rant" if you want to by golly!!
I have a feeling your thief is not from very far away, unfortunately. and geesh, sliding glass doors are notorius.
all love to your Dad and Mom and Sis too. it unfolds as it shall...

[Debra]

Oh Nina, at times such as these I have to wonder at how much one must endure. It is such a violation of your person. To think you must have this happen as you face losing a loved one is so unfair. These trials, loss, and pain that come in waves. It seems as though before you can recover from the first, another and another come along. I wish you the strength to endure and will pray for the calm to come soon.

[sandy]

from my country thousands of miles away, on this day where a storm continues to wail its winds upon us after a whole night of battering rain, though i cannot be there to prove to you how much your words have moved me, though i know you not except for your pictures and the beauty you share so unflinchingly to us in this nether-world, i wish you many more blessings, a hundred more dave browns, a million hugs and rays of sunshine, and unseen but heart-felt hugs from me, only one of the many you have touched, because you are such a great example of humanity, and because you are real. may your heartaches, as they come, not break you. may your grief, though heavy, simply flow through you, and not take away the best of what is in you, for your life will still be long, and beautiful. I wish you the moon's light on a summer night, the sun's softness on a golden day, a night when sleep comes sweetly and lasts til a dream of fairies completes itself, and you awaken, refreshed, and whole. these are only words, but i do wish them for you, for you have given me much, with your words. Thank you.

[Sharon]

I am so very very sorry for all you are going through. God Bless.

[Clare]

the tears fill my eyes when i read your latest post. there is so much there that i can identify with. why should we only embrace and share the light hearted stuff, the chitter about our work and happy little lives. Life is also about sinking into our despair, allowing the waves of sorrow to wash over us, we cannot be afraid of the suffering, we need to be with it when it is there. it takes courages to sit with it, to be in the place of despair,to feel it all in our minds, bodies and souls. We aren't here to just have a one sided life - it takes courage to be so honest, real courage. your posts are the ones that stay with the reader - who has the courage to read to the end. it's your words that we remember when we think about our own ailing parents, or experience the harsh realities of life, your honesty makes us appreciate life a little more, the fragility of life, the preciousness of life. please do not apologize for your honesty, thank - you for it.

[Rebecca Anderson]

Dear Nina,

I don't think anyone could possibly accuse you of being selfish or narcissistic for feeling angry, scared, frustrated by the violation of your property, and for feeling such painful sadness at the illness and gradual loss of your father. I am so sorry that you came home to be greeted by such a scene...I have been burgled quite a few times and I know how you feel....it's such an awful violation and I remember like you feeling unsafe, scared, alone and not at home....I hope your lovely neighbours continue to support you (I am sure they will by the sounds of it) and that you can get through whatever the next few weeks hold for you and your family. I hope you know that there are people all over the world sending you positive thoughts and love, supporting you because of your beautiful, honest, moving blog. x x x

[Chris Meissner]

Dear Nina, I am so sorry that you have been broken into again. I can't begin to imagine what that feels like. I am very thankful that you are as open as you are. Emotion, raw or not, we all feel it. You have the gift of expressing it into words. I am grateful for your posts. I understand what you are going through with your father. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago. I miss him terribly. Praying for you and your family.

[Niki]

You have been through so much! They say we learn through the hard times. I know that is true, but there comes a point when you want to say, " No more. I've learned enough!". Hang in there. You are a strong person and you will make it through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[mary jane dodd]

so very very sorry to hear of all of the struggles of different types and magnitudes... what are you doing with your life? (you pondered)...well, it seems as though you are living it - and feeling it... you are not running from it... you share your highs and your lows - you are open and kind... your work is special and valued precisely because it is sincere and unique... not reproduced to death...
i wish peace for your father and your family ... i clearly remember my grandfather looking at me and asking why it had to take so long (for himself)... you are in the world of in-between... having parents and children... moments of loss and mourning and moments of growth and joy... it is a pregnant place in life and overwhelming at times...
for you, i wish a sense of security and calm... that violation is horrendous... and i am so very very sorry...

[Lois Venarchick]

So very sorry! Blessings to you this day and remember, Tomorrow is another, better day.

[carol]

so so sorry to hear how things have been lately......you write so beautifully no matter what you write about......this is a terribly difficult time for you and our hearts go out to you..

[Cathy Wegner]

I'm so sorry...you are in my prayers.

[Kim]

I will keep you and your family and the house that used to be your refuge in my prayers. I have known that jangly, overwhelmed feeling all too well - so much sadness and happiness and responsibility crashing down like a huge wave, all at once, leaving one drowning in uncertainty and fear. It is a very hard thing to bear.

Do not measure your progress with the world's yardstick, Nina. Some of us must take the road less traveled. We would go mad otherwise.

I wish you courage for the journey and strength to endure all that will change. And love. I wish you much love.

[Emily]

Please keep talking Nina.....We are listening.
I am just so effing mad for you my friend!
Holding you close.....

[Janet]

One more thing Nina. I know you live "out" in the country, but can you not have the house alarmed? Comcast did ours and the cost is in with the monthly payment. I wish some family lived near you, so when you go away some people could go and house sit. There has to be "some" way to get away from your "sitting duck" situation when you go away. Someone knows you go away alot are my thoughts! (a fence could be a charm? So when you go away you could keep a kick A$$ dog in it when you go away?) xx

[Nydra]

Nina.......I do not know you...but yet feel
that I understand you a little....you are so open and generous with your inner workings. I have been helped greatly by the Brave Girls Club. Their free almost daily emails have healed many sorrows I carried with me...maybe the wisdom they share will help you find clarity and heal
your sorrows too...I hope so!

[kim]

thank you for mothering us all us wayward bloggers..you have great team of followers who always have your back...much love...xox

[Dinahsoar]

Being robbed once is horrible, but a second time--too too much. What is it about the woodsy places that seems to invite such? Our home--in the woods--was broken into while I was home alone at night. It was frightening for me. Thankfully I scared them off, and nothing tangible was taken. But I was robbed nonetheless.

Some seasons of life it feels like we are stuck in a rut, spinning our wheels, stuck in a quagmire, unable to progress in any direction. And as we lose heart we lose strength to endure, and we grow so weary.

It is then that our friends have the privilege of coming alongside us and ministering to us--instruments of the Lord.

Seeing your neighbor mowing your grass caused my eyes to well up with tears. I am always touched by those who reach out to aid and comfort those in need. Love in action.

We, your readers, can't be there to offer comfort in person, but we can be there in spirit and our hearts battle for you as the utterings of our spirits, yea our prayers, rise on your behalf, asking the Great One, Jehovah Jireh, to minister to your need. I am confident He will.

If you did not share your griefs and sufferings, how else would we know your need? Being open invites comforting. Being closed shuts one off from those who can offer comfort. I know all your readers are sharing in your suffering and hoping and praying for your relief.

[sue]

My heart breaks for you dear Nina.
Moon-sharing and big hugs from me to you.xo

[lindy mcclellan]

Oh Nina, I am sitting hear with my mouth hanging open, tears for you, and at a complete loss for words of comfort. You are one of the most authentic, loving and open spirits I know. That is the gift you put out in the world. I think the challenge is to not let the dark souls of the world take that from you.

Blessings and much love to you.

[JoDee Jetton]

Oh Sweet Nina , as if you don't have enough on your plate. *sigh* so sorry for you and that you had to deal with this at this time of great transition, for your family. My thoughts and prayers are with your mom and dad- such bittersweet work being with those that are nearing the end of their time with us. And your boys just begining the next part of their lifes' great journey. Nina we spend time with you on this blog because we love you , the life you have created for yourself and your art. Know that much love and support is here for you. Shine on.

[gretchen]

Chastise? The only person to be chastised would be the one that would DARE to that to you. Nina, if we could only all be like you, then this world would surely be a heaven, free from hate, war and unhappiness. I know that love doesn't pay the bills or replace things that have been stolen, but rest assured dearest one, that you are rich beyond your wildest dreams in being loved by all of us whose lives you have touched.

[Fonda]

Once when my brother was dying of lung cancer...I came back from Atlanta to these beautiful mountains and found that my home had been broken into. I was insured so I knew everything could be replaced except for the painting I had been working on during my brother's long and wearying illness. They had taken a paint brush and ruined that painting. I just simply sat on the floor and cried that someone could be so cruel that they could ruin my artwork....and then I cried and cried that I could not call my brother and have him reassure me. I felt so stupid for being so pitiful, but I was grieving his life and my lack of him in my life going forward. And, I was grieving my art too, and my weariness... truth be told. I understand just how raw this kind of situation makes you emotionally. I know how it is to be unable to settle and feel that your world is just not fitting you anymore. But mostly I know the bone deep weariness that numbs your thoughts and body. The only comfort I can send is that it does pass and beautiful lessons are learned here in this place. Rumi said..."God has cirlced this spot on the map for you"....hard to hear or understand during this time...but so true afterwards. You are such a strong and brave woman to share yourself , uncensored, during this private time. Love..sending it...Fonda

[Sandi James]

After the first few words of your post, I uttered "oh no, not again, poor, dear ...". I feel like I know you, having been a reader for all these many months. You were so kind, once long ago, to respond to my note with such kindness, such strength. I am sorry that there are such people in the world that take, take, take. But, that being said, I am so happy that you give so of yourself. Not of your possessions, that was just wrong, terrible and terrifying, but of your soul. Sending you my strength over these many miles from California. Love to you,
Sandi

[Lee]

Ahhhhhhh, I am heartsick for you. We know this thing called life is filled with ups and downs, loving and losing, but DANG, it's hard to take at times. I know you feel alone, but many of us are out here, routing for you. Come to Maine, I have 12 acres, and lots of empty bedrooms. HUGSSSSSS

[Frankie Kins]

Nina, I thank God for people like Dave Brown that can be there to help out. I don't have the words to express how I really feel, but this will have to suffice: You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

[Angela]

Oh no, I am so sorry! Such grief and loss all at the same time...

You are much loved, and brave and strong, and you are weathering this storm just like you've done with storms past. Hang in there, Nina, you are making it and we are all rooting for you.

[peggy mcdevitt]

Words can not express the deep sorrow I feel for all you have and are going through. Know that you are loved and there is good in the world, we reap what we sew. I am so sorry.

[Susan]

Hey Nina, I hesitated for the first time when I saw a new post from you, I have looked forward to reading your words for so many years, but ths time I was afraid ... and then I was shocked and so very sad. And then I was mad, and then I was heartbroken. And then, I confess, I read every comment that had been posted already and from all that I know you must be able to see how much you are cared for here and beyond! These sister souls have already said it all so sweetly and beautifully, please know that I agree with these thoughts and send you love.

[Karen]

Dearest Nina, I am so very sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your life right now. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Congratulations to your son on his wonderful achievement. Sending a ton of hugs to you. xo, Karen

[Ann]

Oh God, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been violated in this way again! I had to read it twice because I thought I'd gotten something wrong.
I don't think you're narcissistic, I think you are so brave to share like this. I was just thinking yesterday that I get impatient with a lot of relationships because most people are so guarded and private, and for whatever reason I want more than that, I want the real, messy, beautiful stuff. Maybe that's what makes me keep coming back to your blog, and maybe that's why I love your work!
You are in such a sacred time with your family.
Love you!

[Elizabeth Woodford]

Your saddness and exhaustion and violation on top of it all is unfathomable. Why oh why should one person have to deal with it all at once???????? No answer here unfortunately.. i am so very sorry and sad- wish I could live closer as I would love to house sit for you!!! thank god for your angel neighbor Dave
Celebrate with Roy your glorious boy and the evidnec that YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER!! Celebrate the wonderful life of your dear Dad as you are the evidence that he is a wonderful father. Things will right themselves after some time but not in the same ways at it was before all of this.
Enormous Hugs to you and thank you for sharing with all of us. you are sucha tremendous gift to all of us as your words carry such meaning and depth and grace!!!
XO

[Lynette]

I dislike thiefs very, very much.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Grief, gosh, I've just finished a 3 year season of grief. I'm not the same person on this side of it, but I have emerged. You will rise too. Piss Whiskers to that thief, and you are in my prayers.

[Kate]

Oh Sweetie! I am so sorry for what you are going through. Love to your precious Daddy and Pheh!! to the thief who probably reads your blog to see when you are out of town. You know I know about burglaries - the feeling of violation is so palpable. Bless your lovely neighbor for giving you a helping hand. Wish I could be there with a hug for you. xxxooo Katie

[carole]

Oh Nina, I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

I for one am glad that you share who you are. You share the good and the bad. Life isn't always happy, and the blog writers who try to make it seem as if it is hold little interest for me.

I've been told myself that people don't want to read about bad days, or things that upset. Well, imo they don't have to. They can move on. Go where everything is sunshine and roses. Wherever the hell that is.

I want real. I want to know that there are people out there like me, who feel, who have happy days, sad days, ups and downs, and who live beyond the perfect. Who notice nature. Notice life going on around them.

Take care of yourself. I know in the midst of everything that's going on around you, that's not an easy thing to focus on, but you need to try.

Thinking of you and your family. Enjoy the graduation.