settling in

  i''m back.... sort of.  back from beautiful, magical places halfway around the world to this beautiful place that surrounds me every day.  i'm back, sort of, while trying frantically to juggle trips to the dentist (already i'm at $1400 and will soon be having to drum up another $3600, just for starters.  and i am a little confused as to how i am supposed to come up with this money, just like that), writing and photographing a workshop proposal (this always takes days and days and days), staring at an unkempt house, an impossible studio without knowing where to begin.  last week, at the gentle urging of my visiting friend julie (guardian angel extraordinaire, she always comes through and i'm ever grateful for this), i ventured out into miles of wilderness, hiking for miles and miles and miles where water and land and sky meet as one. 
*****************************************************************************************

I GIVE UP.  i sat and worked on this blasted post for SIX HOURS and now it is gone.  into thin air.  

i had some lovely lovely photos of last week's hikes, i wrote from the heart and it is gone.

i don't know when i will be back here.  i have pressing needs, and my mother had extensive tests run all day today.  needless to say i am disgusted with blogging, with my computer, with wasting my time sitting here all that time for naught..

you don't know what you missed.  i shared some exquisite things.

i'll try again, when there is time.  right now, there is not one minute of it.

australia?  new zealand?  they happened.  they were incredible.  i don't know where to begin, nor how to carve out another section of time.

i received news from mama this afternoon that she had six hours (same time frame, actually) of extensive tests run, and more will be run next week.  please, please, please keep her in your strong thoughts and prayers.  i'm trying not to worry.  it is hard to be brave these days.

Comments

[Tina in McLeansville]

i'm so glad i was the only one home when i saw you'd posted....i actually erupted into cheers. it's much too easy to get discouraged these days, i know. it's a daily battle, requiring much focus and determination. i know that, also. luckily, you have exactly what you need to keep moving forward, even though there may be detours or spills along the way. falling down is a part of life. getting back up is living. sit there and catch your breath, find your focus. take what time you need. then get back up. there are a lot of hands reaching to help pull. prayers for your sweet mama...and all of you. sending much love and hugs....

[kathryn]

it's so hard when everything comes at you at once. you seem like a very strong person tho...and resilient!! good luck..i will put your mom in my prayers!

[Susan]

I too was so pleased to see that you had posted today, but none too pleased that you lost your original post. It would be very discouraging, but I'm so glad that you took more of your time to do this post. Dentists. Ugh. I will keep your dear mother in my thoughts and prayers, and you as well. Take care... xxx

[Richelle]

Money.... Ughhh.. We need a new roof.. About 10,000 worth.
If I find a pot of gold.... I'll share it!!
Glad to have seen you posted. Sad to have seen that it was so frustrating..
Welcome back home at least....

[Wendy]

Well, the frustration was palpable. We have all been there. Stay away from the computer until you are really ready to get back. You have a lot on your plate. We miss you, but we will wait for you :-)

[Loretta]

One thing at a time. That's really all you can do. Don't worry about us. You'll be back when you are ready. Prayers flying south on the strong backs of the geese that are now gathering and flying in V's across our skies. Love to you,

L.

[mary]

Sweet, sweet thing. It seems you have really hit the white water these last few months. The constant buffeting is so very tiring and exhausting. I hope you are resting when you can.

I really wish there was something tangible I could say or do. I will continue to keep you and yours in my daily prayers. He has big shoulders and never minds carrying any of us.

[Linda]

Well even if we didn't get to see all those photos, I am just very happy to see your face. I have missed you and thought about you often. I'll be thinking of your Mama and I will keep your family in my prayers.

[Monika Schmid]

Nina, I am sending healing vibes and light to your mum. Good luck with the dentist, my friend has just come back from dental tourism overseas for a fraction of the price it would have cost her here in Australia.
Sending lots of love and well wishes to you and your family. xoxo

[Monica]

I second Wendy's sentiment to take time for yourself Nina, since you have so much happening and your mother having so many tests in one day - I'm sure it will all be fine, but the waiting to really KNOW is the pitts =-\

We all have waited to hear about your recent travels and we can wait a little more =-)

[Maggie]

Yeah !!!! You are home. Missed you so much. Breathe, and don't forget to laugh a little, cause we all love you so much. Blogging brought you into my life Miss. Nina. Much, much Love to you and your mama. Did I already say hooray! And that I missed you?

[Ally]

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition aspired, and success achieved" --Helen Keller

Hang in there Nina. And it's okay...this is YOUR life. Not ours.
xo Ally

[sandra]

It's so frustrating when the computer acts up when you're in the middle of something. But, I'm glad to know you're back home safe and sound. You and your family are in my thoughts. Thanks for sharing what you could for right now. Missed your presence...

[beth]

she is in my prayers....i have needed many this week and now i'm ready to share mine and some that were blessed upon me....xo

[erin]

i checked earlier today and saw the new blog header photo but no new entry. i yelled out loud "hurray--you're back!" when i saw your face peering out at me from my computer this evening. welcome home. you have been missed. i'm so sorry about your mum and the dentist and the bills. i will hold you and your mum in my thoughts and breathe in the summer garden air and sunshine and hope it helps.

[Renate]

Sending much love...

[lois venarchick]

Your mother is in my thoughts and prayers as are you. I am in the same sad dental boat but am taking it a bit at a time. More than anything, take care of you.

[Farmlady]

I know that feeling when you write and put together a post and then loose it. I'm sorry Nina. It's so frustrating it makes you want to stop this blogging business all together.
Good thoughts for your Mom. These health issues as they get older are so continuous and heart rending and it weighs heavily on us, the children...
As Mary Oliver says, "Who knows the sorrows of the heart?...maybe the thrush, who sings by himself, at the edge of the green woods, to each of us..."
Listen Nina and be comforted.

[Patti]

Money will come from somewhere, you just wait and see!

Prayers for your Mom and for you Nina, it's been a hellish year for you in many ways. I hope Australia & NZ were a balm for you.

Stay with the blogging, we would miss you here!!

[Barbara]

Whatever you do, dear Estrella Nina, is beautiful ... and there's a firmament of us holding you and your mom, your boys, in our hearts. Slainte.

[Lori Burek]

Dear Nina,
You and your mom are in my thoughts. I know how frustrating tech stuff can be. Life seems to keep throwing me "crap" and yes that feeling of screaming and pulling one's hair out doesn't make it go away. They say life has yin and yang. When it changes I do not know. I am so glad you are back.
Again thinking and praying for you & your mom.
Hugs,
Lori B.

[Lee]

It's so hard not to get worn out. Sending you strength and hugs!

[Kathy Van Kleeck]

Hey sweet friend - so much, so so very much. Sending another shoulder to lean on, light and prayers and love to embrace you and your mom. Need to do this face to face ... maybe later this month?

[missy]

just glad to hear from you....have experienced the 'when it rain it pours' stuff....really is just one day at a time.
Take care and prayers for you and your family.
missy from the bayou

[Elizabeth Woodford]

Your Mom is in my prayers as are you!!! take care of you and fret not about the blogging- I know of your frustrations but the important stuff is where your attention and time need to be- we will always be here for you !!!
Big hugs to you and your Mom!!!

[Michelle @ Give a Girl a Fig]

Absolutely praying for you mom...and for you...I've missed your words...true and honest and beautiful...like YOU. xoxo

[Susan Sewell]

Seems like many of us reading this blog are all waiting for our "shit" to come in. It was nice to hear from you. How's the pup?

[Mary G.]

My prayers are with your mother. So sorry about the uncooperative computer and your lost blog post. But the thing that really stays with me from this post is your new blog header . . . filled with light and beauty, with your sister Ellen's egg in the middle. Hang on & take good care . . . all will be well. All of us out here will wait for your return to posting . . .

Best wishes . . .

[julie]

glad you considered the urging to be "gentle" ... gentle but perhaps unintentionally persistent. xo

[Jess]

I'm so sorry that your time & efforts to post & share with us were for naught...I can only imagine the frustration. Sending strength & peace to you & your mom...

[Nancy Krampf]

oh sweet nina , your poor momma is probably just having some exhaustion from all the work and worry she has been through.
and come to think of it you too.

iffin ya want to post use facebook. give this here blog a time out.
there you have the universes permission.

and my thoughts prayers and light are coming yer way.

xxxx0x0xx0xx00xx0x000x0x0x0xx0x0x0x0x0x00x0x0x

[vickie long]

I have been gone for some now because of having to deal with some of life's extreme trials, but I am back and I read of the trials you have faced and are facing, and truly my heart goes out to you. I know the pain, frustration-sometimes loss of hope, even. But know that you are loved and that we do care-we do. You are a lifeline to use, as we are to you and we will help you deal in whatever ways we can. Take care of yourself and your dear mother. We will wait for you, always. vickie in kc

[susan]

Glad to know that you are home safe and sound, Nina. Settle in, take care of your mama, take care of youself, and let the rest of it go for now.
We will all be here waiting for you - when your days turn calm and ordinary again (if there is such a thing) - and you are ready to begin the storytelling.
Sending you love and strength and prayers.

xo dusan

[Missy Bendiksen]

sounds like you need to breathe, breathe, breathe. we can wait. meanwhile back at the ranch did you notice there is a fairy creature in the 2nd picture you posted? she appears to be sitting on the rocks in the center, upper portion of your picture of Horsepasture Falls 1. how magical is that? it is a sign from the universe that you will be ok....sweet nina.
love,
missy from houston

[Katherine Langford]

May you find a soft nest under a green bough and rest. It seems that the universe is slightly off-center for everyone right now, but in the big flow, big sky, it is just a little bump. Hug yourself, hug your mama and may honey and bees and blue skies welcome you home. We all will be there for you no matter what. Cheers to a fighter - you have it in you.

[Ramona Gault]

Love Katherine's sweet message above; wish I had her honey-golden gift for words. May I echo her warm thoughts? And I will pray for your mama too.

[Ailsa Willis]

Praying for your lovely mama. It was pretty special saying hello to her on the phone when you were chatting to her next door at Wendy's. It was fabulous spending some time with you again - one of life's highlights! Praying for you too, and sending you much love.

[delila]

hello dear one, it is good to see you in this wonderful photograph Nina! Your mother will be in my thoughts and well wishes.

[Martha Appleberry]

keeping you and your mother in my thoughts

rest, regroup, but please return when you can.

[Penny]

My thoughts are with you and yours, I will wait for your blogs on what you saw and how you felt about my land and the one I love next door. Dont despair, stay focused and dont do too much all at once, one only gets confused. Advice I should heed at well.

[Ann]

It just helps to know you're out there. I guess it can be a lot of pressure.

[Vickie]

fret not for the lost post (mercury retrograde till the 26th.) the beauty of well meant words and images reverberates around and around, regardless of reaching their destination... enriching the ehtheric vibe of our planet. put good thoughts out their that maybe you can spare a minute soon for your dedicated readers, we won't ask for much, really, I promise, just a quick hello to let us know you are smiling somewhere, enjoying the breeze and watching the sun move across the sky, in whichever latitude. you know our prayers remain with you and yours, and kind thoughts and love all the way around. oh, and dental love too! (I can see the fairy/spirit sitting in the 2nd picture also!)

[herhimnbryn]

You are home. Safe and loved. xo

[Sharon]

~you are brave~
love you....

[wendy cooper]

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit ~Albert Schqeitzer~

Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the look out for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nuture your dream ~Lao Tzu~

[carole]

I do understand your frustration with blogging. Sometimes those things that were designed to make our lives 'easier' do nothing but add stress.

My blogs have remained fairly dormant all summer, except for an occasional posting here and there. Blogs are fun to own, to visit, and they allow us to escape to another place and time for a brief while. Problem is, time can pass almost too quickly as we browse, taking away from a life we should be living.

Anyway, glad you're back and settling in somewhat. Thinking of you and your mother. And wishing you luck with the dental issues (I have my own and costs are soooo high these days).

[fonda]

I will not tell you like so many....to keep your chin up, blah blah...Just want to remind you , it's okay NOT to be brave(who needs it?) and however you're feeling is exactly what you should be feeling and that arguing with all of those feelings is often insanity. How can we argue with whats real? You feel what you feel and no need to change that....

I put all three of my dentist's sons thru college. (He evidently missed the day in dental school where they taught fillings and skipped right ahead to the root canal bridge portion) And I am often angry and frustrated with the idea that I need to come up with $6000.00 for this dental problem or that. I get it so well!

Just know that so many of us are out here rooting for you and knowing that you are stressed and tearful and scared. We're sending you loads of good energy and hoping that all will be well with you and your Mom! And...it's perfectly all right if that doesn't mean a hill of beans to you right now when you're struggling....or more importantly if does mean something but you just can't see how that's going to help you right now. Or any other combination of feelings...(smile)

Hugs (the really restful kind that require nothing from you)

[Caity]

Thinking of you and your Mom. I wish I could do something more practical - I'm off for more dental work too (ouch and $ ouch!). If you're running any sort of online workshop or have pieces/photos to sell... or can we help by all adding our little drops to a paypal bucket for you??

[Laura]

I am a stranger to you...so many people that have commented here
are obviously friends. You are so fortunate!!
You must have had such a wonderful time in Australia and New Zealand,
remember those times, relax, concentrate on those things most important to you, do the things that will make your world feel more pulled together.
And your friends will be right there waiting for you when you return.
I will keep your Mom in my thoughts, and praying all is well with her.
Peace to you.

[Chris Oliveira]

Nina, the Desiderata is what comes to mind when reading your post. I know you must be familiar with it, but thought I would send it anyway. I am hoping for the best possible outcome for you Mom. Blessings to you and yours. Chris

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

[Patricia]

Nina:

You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

Just know we all love you, whether you blog or not, and when everything feels overwhelming remember.

[Alice]

I'm so glad you are home! I'd love to see your trip photos and I know they've got to be amazing! A pox on computers for acting up.

I'm sorry you are having dental issues. For the record, I dislike dentists, though honestly I think they get a bad rap because a visit to them means pain, and shelling out a wad of cash.

I'm sending up a prayer for your mom. I know it's difficult to stay strong while in the midst of such chaos and difficult times, but I know you can since you've done it before. Set your sights for one day at a time. Don't feel guilty about the times you experience weakness or become frightened, but do reward yourself for your strength and accomplishments.

Take care!

[Teresa]

Just breathe...in...out...in...out...in...out...there is only this moment...the rest is an illusion.

[Leah in NC]

Dentist bills? Wait until you go to the VET the next time! I think that mine doubled the price of visits since last year. Wow! times 4 for me!

But, oh, how good it is when it is all over with and you don't have to worry about teeth and gums and pain and all that stuff.

You are definitely in my thoughts and you and your Mom are in my prayers, my dear. Please don't forget that you have this beautiful net underneath you! Look down! See all these hands of all your tribe down here, waiting open to catch you and send you flying back up in the air... You are surrounded by love, Nina... I loved seeing all your pictures, understand your frustration with computers... It's TIME for you to go out walking and to relax. We'll wait. We'll see those pictures eventually! R & R, Nina... All those walks are reviving, healing... Stare in Walter's eyes... Breathe in the colors of the Joe Pye weed blooming... See the beauty and let it wash over you and heal you... We're all here, sending you good thoughts... Just breathe...