settling back in

  i don't know about the rest of you, but i for one am immensely relieved and happy to bid old 2011 farewell.  it was not one of my favorite years, for all the reasons you'd imagine, and a few more sprinkled in amongst the obvious.  rough year.  sad, scary, frustrating.  the death of my father was monumental - something that came to us slowly, i think, in those months of his decline.  it was huge, and continues to affect us in such gigantic, knee-aching ways.  the holidays were of course very different for my family and me this time around - such a large gap there was in the space that daddy filled, there in the couple of chairs he always occupied while we all milled and fussed and fretted around him, the very center of our familial universe.  that's what he was, to us.  my mother is such an incredible trooper - ever stalwart, ever stoic, so unlike this emotional younger daughter of hers who blurts out whatever is on my mind at the moment the thought is born.  i never know to wait and let things mellow, i never know how to simply let things be.   the greatest gift to me on christmas day was what you see above:  yet another note from daddy that surfaced in the most unlikely of places.  that morning i was puttering around their house in alabama before the rest of the family arrived; robin was with me, for small pockets of time here and there, and he thankfully was able to sleep over on christmas eve so that he could wake up with mama and me on christmas morning (roy had to work on christmas day, and flew down the day after to spend a couple of days visiting back and forth between his dad's and grandparents' house and with us there at my mother's).  at some point in the late morning, in search of a tealight candle, i randomly opened a tiny drawer of the antique desk that graces my parents' living room.  there on top of a few other paper relics was a note to me from daddy, dated january 2009.  i don't remember his leaving it for me, as he was prone to do - we'd find notes on post-its, on scraps of brown paper bags, on laundry tickets... anything at close hand upon which he could scrawl a small note that declared his enormous love.  ever since he died last may, i've been finding those notes in the oddest of places - tucked inside an antique book that i've decided for no reason to pull down from a shelf and open; taped within the pages of one of the books that featured my artwork (daddy was my biggest fan, and kept a file box of all of those books, of every article that was written); tucked into an envelope in the stretchy side pocket of my worn suitcase.  the notes are gifts, appearing out of nowhere like that as if he were sending them to me for the very first time, when most i need to read his words again.  little miracles, i think of them - words from the past, breaking through to the present for a loving father's daughter to find and hold close to her heart.


so now, many days and remembrances later, i've come back home to the mountains once again.  after being away for over two weeks, it feels a little odd to be sitting alone here at my bank of windows looking out to the woods and the rolling horizon off to the west.  it's always difficult for me to find the rhythm of my own quiet days, once i've been away ensconced in holiday flurries, spending uninterrupted precious time with family, running errands on now-foreign streets, driving my mother's car, cooking in my mother's kitchen.  my own tiny cluttered cubbyhole of a kitchen feels like someone else's other than my own; it is a rental, so i guess that much is true.  it is a challenge, i realize now, to fold back into the version of myself that is the one who lives alone here in the mountains, far from anyone, remote, isolated, in utter solitude.  this year will bring some major changes, some that are long overdue.  what those changes are, i'll talk about at some point soon.  for now, i'm simply ruminating in my first post of 2012, declaring my word for the year.  it is a word of action, of change, of moving forward, of many positive things.  it came to me as clearly as any one word could, as i was driving the six hours' of ribboned road yesterday back from alabama to here:  manifest.  it rose up from a jumble of everything else, from memories of what has been, of what i want to be, of things that i wish for myself that i need to make a reality.  it is my word for twelve new months, and i will be putting it to good use for what i hope will be a very full year of tremendous transformation.  i'm asking all of you, each and every one, to help me stay on task with my goal of manifestation.  happy brand new year to you all; happy, shiny new everything. xo

Comments

[Tina in McLeansville]

a year of transformation. i like that. my word for this year is...truth. i, too, foresee changes in this new year...and i don't feel the fear and trepidation i usually do about that. hmmmm.
welcome home, dear friend. settle in.....get comfy with you. cheers to wonderful new things. xoxo

[Judi D.]

Oh, Nina, it's good to hear your voice again. I believe this year will unfold for you in such grace and love, it will astound you! Your post about your Daddy's notes really touched me - for itself, but also for serendipity. Last evening, I took down from my wall a note my Dad had written to me when he sent me a poem. I had forgotten that on the back of it was taped MY letter back to him, so full of love and tears and longing that I sat there, 16 years later and wept deeply all over again. Ah, how we miss these wonderful men of ours. How blessed we were to have them for so long - but never long enough. Blessings to you, Nina.

[tejae heart shaped art]

beautiful nina, your words are so powerful, i feel they jump right off the screen and right into my heart. my heart aches for your loss and jumps for joy at the thought of what you'll manifest this year. much love coming at you from colorado.

hugs♥
tejae

[Sue]

It's great to see a new post from you :-)
I am excited for you and your planned changes - whatever they may be!

May 2012 be everything you want it to be. xo

[sandy]

Gosh...this post put me to tears...your daddy's spirit is alive and well.

I've been meditating on some of my loss relatives and I see small things each day which reminds me of them.
And then you wrote this.

I believe that the bodies are released but the spirit, the awareness lives on and your dad placed these notes around for you to see.

It matters not when they were placed; it matters more that he knew your level of awareness. You two are in sync.

You bet I'll hold you accountable. I will show up to see your manifestations.

I am aware of your awareness too.

Thank you for sharing these thoughts.

[LeAnn]

Happy brand new year to you as well. I'm wishing you one filled with joy in life's journey.

[herhimnbryn]

Hallo dear One,
A lovely post and a joy to see as I opened your blog. Have just got back from a swim and then a dog walk, so sitting to read has been balm!

I send you good wishes for the coming year and admire your choice of word.

[Farmlady]

Manifest your destiny, my dear. I'm wishing you a wonderful year with many blessings. Life is... life is wonderful and painful... Life is moving in many directions.
Life is love and one step forward.
Happy New Year.

[V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios]

My parents died within two months of each other, the year I turned 30. It is hard to explain what that loss means to someone whose parents are alive or whose parents have escorted them through middle age and beyond. It is a loss of the most primal and profound attachment, a loss of memory, for now there is no one to tell you what you were like as a child, where you come from. But worst of all, it is a loss of unconditional love. No one loved me like they did, and while my life is full of love, I feel the ache of that loss decades later.

[Bonnie Moench]

Wishing you all the best in 2012. How lucky you are that you daddy left these secret little messages for you to find. I can hardly wait to see what you create this year.
xoxo
Bonnie

[Judy H.]

Happy New Year, Nina! I hope 2012 will be good to you.

[Denise S.]

We truly never get over that need of unconditional love from our parents. Memories are all many of us have now.You certainly were cherished by your Daddy Nina and that my dear is what really matters.
I can't wait to see what you have coming up in 2012. xxxooo

[Barbara]

Nina - my visit with you and Aunt Liz was a very special moment I will cherish as one of the highlights of my 2011 memories. I hope 2012 brings our paths together more often. Love you cuz! xoxo

[Mary G.]

"the very center of our familial universe"

Oh, that takes me back to the way I felt when my father died at the end of my sophomore year of college, leaving my mother with 8 children aged 6 to 20. Suddenly my family imploded and I felt so adrift in the world -- my family had lost its center. It took years for the family to right itself.

Best wishes to you, Nina, for 2012. Thank you for the beautiful post.

[Cindy Dean]

Great word Nina. My word is action...I was looking for another word that meant the same thing but I just kept coming back to action! I know 2011 was a hard year for you but I think 2012 is going to be a great year. I deem it so! LOL Sending you hugs!

Cindy

[Lois Venarchick]

I am glad that you are back and writing on your blog. I missed you.
Happiest of new years!

[Cindy Ericsson]

Manifest -- I've been feeling something like that here, but can't quite clarify and distill it down to one word. I hope you keep finding these little love notes from your daddy and that bring many sweet smiles.

[Renate]

Manifest is a good word - I am sure you will manifest wonderful things.
Wishing you everything wonderful and magical in 2012.

[Elizabeth Woodford]

Every little note on a treasured little scrap is a hope and treasure for the new year and a wonderful memory- a way that your DAD stays with you and in you and beside you always!! This post reminds me to do similar things for r my kids as each day is a treasure and gift and one never knows what tomorrow will bring!! 2012 will be a great year for you and for all of us! Big Hopeful Hugs to you Nina!!

[kathy dorfer]

happy 2012 . look forward to hearing what your journey is going to manifest .
xxoo

[Lori Burek]

Good to hear you are still kicking. I wish you all the best on the new year's changes. I will try and help you with those changes in any way I can. Hugs, Lori B.

[Ramona Gordy]

Nina
Happy New Year!!!!!
My theme for the New Year is this; 2012 or Bust.I feel that 2011 was a year of challenges, but not to cripple or defeat, but to strengthen us. What doesn't kill us makes us strong. Look forward with a brightness of hope Nina. My prayers are always with you. Have a wonderful year.

[susan]

Happy 2012, dear Nina. I like your word, manifest - good word.
My word is adjust. I lost my dad and father-in-law this past year. Also a devastating tornado distroyed our small town. And to top it off, I had a bilateral mastectomy in November. Not a good year.
Sending you wishes of happiness and peace for the year ahead. Keep your memories close to your heart.

xo dusan

[Richelle]

Know that we all have your back!!
If anyone can manifest change, it would be you!!

Love and Best Wishes in 2012.

Love, Richelle

[delila]

it must be very heart warming to find those notes which you Father wrote. Like you would meant to find them exactly on a right moment. i wish a very abundant New Year for you dear friend. Manifest is a wonderful word for this year. mine is love, with big letters.

D.

[vickie]

I am just so glad when I drop by and find a new post by you. I know 2011 was a tough year for you. But do you know that, despite your despair, you still offer us such love, hope, inspiration, grace, peace, care and such wonderful insight? I can only hope we somehow offer you the same in whatever small ways we can. All my best to you in 2012 and years to come.
vickie in kc

[Katherine Langford]

Miracles abound all the time, but they are subtle and I am grateful you are being given them. Your father sends his love and yes, yes, yes, we live only here in temporal reality. It is a subtle as the light in the trees changing even as we look, but it is there with dust motes dancing. He is telling you heart secrets so splendid you would be blinded if they were not subtle. Manifest is the perfect gift - the Latin root is intriguing -- caught in the act. I like the caught as it sounds like captured/captivated by the act, the stopping of time so we can look and recognize what has been there all along. With deep affection, culled through your words, your art, I send you blessings that may manifest more blessings in this new year, this new beginning caught in the act of putting on new clothes for the upcoming parties of the spirit. Cheers -- get ready with your fork as the road rises to meet you. Consider this message as a heartshaped stone sent to you.

[mansuetude]

So very sorry to hear of your father passing. He was such a beautiful soul, as you showed here so often. When my brother passed, two years past now this Christmas time, you wrote on one of my posts about how you feel your own brother to be everywhere, in the sky, near to you, closer than ever.

I know it takes time for that transformation. But the Joy will return, and that elephant that hangs on your back now, drudging along, it gets lighter, or so it feels to me now, lighter a little every bit of the way.

Happy New Year. Manifest.

[lilylovekin]

Nina, you write so beautifully, it brings up emotions in me i can't ignore. Feelings of family, loss, love, sadness and hope for better days. Manifest is such a fine word, I'll be along side you on your journey through the new year. Lorrie

[Rachel Talley]

Hello Nina, today was the first time I have ever visited your blog. You are incredibly gifted with words! I feel the same about the new year! I am happy to close the door on the old one and welcome 12 new months of possibilites, opportunities, and good changes. I am very sorry to hear about your father passing.....I am grateful every day that my parents are well, and can only imagine the void that would be created with either of their absence. I hope the new year brings with it a fresh new wind of purpose, and that as your heart heals, a new seed of change will grow; fed by the memories of a wonderful father. Happy New Year, new friend.
Rachel

[Carola]

A new year upon us. 20ll was a little ruff for a lot of people. All we can really do is make a choice. to wallow or to open our eyes and make a move. Even if it's just getting out of bed. It sounds like you have a plan. You will be fine. I do like the flow of your new pieces. how bout we all join hands and just jump, and smile while we are doing it!
Thinking of you, Carola

[Linda E]

welcome back. sending love, light, and enthusiasm to you!

[anna maria]

Hi Nina, it's been a while since I visited. Nice to read you again. Interesting that "manifest" is your word for 2012, since on Dec 31st I watched Louise Hay's DVD "You Can Heal Your Life" - don't remember buying it or when, but there it was, unopened. So I ended up writing a very long list of what I am going to manifest in 2012. Lets' do it!~

[Mary]

Thanks for the beautiful images of your woods Nina - they are so different from this same time last year when much of North Carolina was still so white from that Boxing Day snow......even here in Raleigh!

My very best wishes go out to you, Walter, and your family for this new year - may it be better than the last, and full of many, many blessings.

Stay well, enjoy each day.....and create beauty, you do it so well.
Hugs - Mary

[amy sperry faldet]

darling, you. I am sorry for the loss of your father. I am bidding farewell to that year, as well. Whew. I just thought I would come by after a long time gone, for I know that you are a lovely constant in the Universe. A work of good. So here is some faery dust for you. I am glad you make your imprint on this world. It carries. Blessings dear dear one.

[Jan]

Happy, happy New Year, and welcome back. It feels like a friend has finally come home from a long trip.

Your way with words never ceases to amaze me, and I was delighted to be able to feast on them once again.

Jan

[Brenda Bliss]

as always......such a warmth that you send out to us. Your words are honey.

[Sharon]

~smile~

[Robin N]

a little over a year ago my father died. here in our home. three breaths and then quiet.
my life screeched to a halt--change--loss--disbelief. And yet, the candle on his dresser kept burning and the quiet music in the other room kept playing. And then I took a breath... the first of my life without my daddy.
The only man, the only consistent man I'd ever known. The only one that loved me no matter what. Who taught me oh so many things, not teaching me, but just being who he was.
He has visited me in my dreams, regularly, since he left. He is still my daddy, even in dream time.
Last thursday was his birthday. A friend's phone rang and it was the very same ringtone he had. I almost cried. HE was touching base with ME!!!
He does that. I was cleaning my art table and there was a birthday card he'd sent to me. I didn't remember it being there, but his love was there all the same.
What do we girls do when our daddies leave? I don't know. Just keep on.