after what has turned out to be a surprisingly difficult two days, i discovered last night to my utter dismay that my email address had been hacked. that there are people in this world who thrive on this sort of thing disgusts me to no end. for the many, many innocent people who received an email with my name on it, inviting you to sign up for this and for that, i offer my profound apologies (and an order to NOT open the link)! thanks, ever thanks, to my dearest pal julie, who at midnight sat quietly on the other end of the phone and listened to me sob uncontrollably. she is such a lifeline, at the best and worst of times: after my wailing slowed down, she simply told me to go on to bed and get some rest, while she stayed up those extra minutes to straighten things out for me, long distance.
i had a fairly strong case of the easter blues - it was my first in 55 years to be completely on my own, away from family: since i had just spent 1.5 weeks in alabama less than two weeks ago, and both boys were tied down with work obligations in their far flung places, i was here, with walter, alone. i am not one to attend church - i believe in surrounding myself with the glories of nature for what someone else might call worship - and was thankfully able to do just that when a friend called to suggest we go on a hike. it was a lovely afternoon, photographing wildflowers over in the park (that sounds so nonchalant and casual, but it still blows my mind all these years later that within 15 minutes i can be walking a trail in the Great Smoky Mountain Park), and stopping on the way home for a frozen fruit drink. it wasn't until i walked back into the house and checked the answering machine that i began to fall apart. cell phones don't work in the park (and barely work here, for that matter). my mother had prepared an easter meal for my uncle bob, who was visiting from atlanta, and for a couple of sweet neighbors who have become family to us. after dinner, while still seated at the table, mama simply and quietly fainted, in the middle of a conversation. she does not remember the ambulance ride to the hospital, doesn't remember anything until a great while later in the emergency room. two nights and a day later, she is home again, to all of our great relief. i'm still confused about what could have caused this, and the angst over anything else happening to my mother anytime soon has been taking its toll on me. and like a great big dark rolling ball, all of the worry and the stress and the sorrow of this time last year, as we began to lose daddy, has come rolling back down out of the woods, where those fractious emotions had been lurking somewhere behind a great big tree.
i'll say what i said in my last post right here: more and more and more my family matters so greatly, to me. and "family" includes those friends who have stuck by me, through thick and through thin, through anger and confusion and tears, through all of the bad that comes also with the good, with me. i just can't adequately express the depth of my love for these chosen family members. or for my sister. my mother. my uncle. my boys. life is so precious, and so tender. and so, so sweet. xo