Fifty six things, on this 56th birthday of mine:
my “golden” year: 56 years old, born in
This has been one of the hardest years of my
I want this next one to be one of the best. Who doesn’t?!
I’m seeking big changes, but am scared to death
of making a single change, of making the first one.
I’m tired of being alone.
I made a decision back in the summer to take my
jewelry into a new direction.
A week ago, I made a trip to Tennessee to work
on that new direction.
I’ve made several new and incredible friends this
past year that I met through teaching in Wisconsin.
The word “teaching” sounds different and foreign
to me now.
Who have I become?
I wish a
guardian angel would appear and sort through this mess of a house for me.
I’m scared 90% of the time.
I’m sad 80% of the time. I first typed “75%” then went back and
changed it to 80.
I began taking anti depression meds again one
month ago, after a three year hiatus, after fighting doing so for months and
months and months. In four weeks, I’ve
felt no difference whatsoever from before I began taking them again. I say this openly, and do not want to suffer the
consequences of readers writing me with their shock, their dismay. Last time I wrote about meds, as I was
weaning off of them, one reader wrote and said how disappointed and shocked she
was that I, someone who loves nature, had gone the medication route. I do not want to hear one single thing like
that again. Ever.
I am hopeful that the medication will begin to
help the sadness that has blanketed me for so long.
I want to get back to a better day to day
routine, which means earlier rising and daily longer walks.
Facing people has become monumentally difficult
in every sense.
Phone calls are next to impossible.
I’ve become negligent in correspondence, all
My blog has suffered, greatly, from my lack of
ability to sit down and write a post.
I am not able to gloss things over, ever. One reason I’ve not been writing posts is
because I don’t want to burden my readers with what feels like deepest
I discovered the joys of a navigation system
when I drove to Tennessee last week.
I will use this navigation system when I drive
to Maryland next week. I wish there were
a navigation system for life.
I am tired of being away from home, but have
enjoyed the “getting away” once the getting is under way.
I miss the old nina. Where has she gone?
I miss the old artist, in me. Where are my artist book abilities, my desires
to create new things?
I want this list to be more positive. That starts with number 28.
I miss my boys with deepest emotions, but am
proud that they are out there living their independent, radiant lives. I am proud of the way that they have turned
into beautiful-spirited young men.
many years of being the teacher, I made a decision to once again become the
I hope to channel what I learned last week into
my new designs.
I hope to return to my stellar teacher as soon
as possible and continue to deepen my knowledge and my skills.
I’ve learned that Tennessee is an incredible
state, and want to go back to spend some leisurely time there as soon as I can.
I’ve finally become enamored of my Alabama roots,
although I do not ever want to live in my hometown again.
I wonder how I became so polar-opposite different
from the rest of my family, in religion, politics, outlook on life?
At 56, I feel that I am at a true turning point.
At 56, I am afraid to turn that corner, to walk
through that door.
At 56, I wish I had someone right here beside me
to hug me and to say that it will all be okay.
At 56, I need to develop a community.
I’m not sure where I want that community to be.
I realize I have a community right here with
Ornamental, but the need for an actual, physical one is becoming startlingly
The other day I sat and thought about the
friends I used to know through traveling as a teacher. Where are all of those fellow teacher friends
now? Where have they scattered and gone?
I want to get back on a bike. That is difficult to do when the bike I own
is rusty and dusty and not up to date with current trends. It is not easy, when I live in such a
mountainous environment, to simply get back on that bike and hit the road. I’d like flat roads and a new bike, poof,
just like that. Red. I’d love a red bike, with a bell.
I want to be in better shape.
I want to lose 40 pounds.
I want to purge this house of a lot more weight
I don’t know where to begin, with anything.
This feels like a train wreck of a list.
Back to the positive: I want to begin a journal once again.
I signed up for an online art class at the
beginning of this year. I ordered all
the many supplies. I don’t think I did a
single exercise. Why not?
I love that I’ve stayed steady with my jewelry
career all these nearly 30 years.
I want to continue to be a jeweler for the rest
of my life.
My hands are feeling the physical strain of that
Someone told me last week that my hands are beautiful. This surprised me. It’s been a long time since someone said that
Walter continues to be a wonderful companion, in
spite of his overly spirited moments day to day.
Two more to go, so I think of what can be
said: I love the evenings, when the sun
has gone down, and my little lights are lit across the mantel, my salt lamps
are glowing in the low light.
I am glad to be myself, have always been glad,
but want to once and for all firmly pull myself up out of this dark place into one
of light, where I will continue to flourish and grow. That ought to be enough. xo