fifty six things

Fifty six things, on this 56th birthday of mine:

1. 
    This is
   my “golden” year:  56 years old, born in
   1956.
2. 
   This has been one of the hardest years of my
   life.
3. 
   I want this next one to be one of the best.  Who doesn’t?!
4. 
   I’m seeking big changes, but am scared to death
   of making a single change, of making the first one.
5. 
   I’m tired of being alone.
6. 
   I made a decision back in the summer to take my
   jewelry into a new direction.
7. 
   A week ago, I made a trip to Tennessee to work
   on that new direction.
8. 
   I’ve made several new and incredible friends this
   past year that I met through teaching in Wisconsin.
9. 
   The word “teaching” sounds different and foreign
   to me now.
10. 
    Who have I become?
11. 
     I wish a
    guardian angel would appear and sort through this mess of a house for me.
12. 
    I’m scared 90% of the time.
13. 
    I’m sad 80% of the time.  I first typed “75%” then went back and
    changed it to 80.
14. 
    I began taking anti depression meds again one
    month ago, after a three year hiatus, after fighting doing so for months and
    months and months.  In four weeks, I’ve
    felt no difference whatsoever from before I began taking them again.  I say this openly, and do not want to suffer the
    consequences of readers writing me with their shock, their dismay.  Last time I wrote about meds, as I was
    weaning off of them, one reader wrote and said how disappointed and shocked she
    was that I, someone who loves nature, had gone the medication route.  I do not want to hear one single thing like
    that again.  Ever.
15. 
    I am hopeful that the medication will begin to
    help the sadness that has blanketed me for so long.
16. 
    I want to get back to a better day to day
    routine, which means earlier rising and daily longer walks.
17. 
    Facing people has become monumentally difficult
    in every sense.
18. 
    Phone calls are next to impossible. 
19. 
    I’ve become negligent in correspondence, all
    around.
20. 
    My blog has suffered, greatly, from my lack of
    ability to sit down and write a post.
21. 
    I am not able to gloss things over, ever.  One reason I’ve not been writing posts is
    because I don’t want to burden my readers with what feels like deepest
    negativity.
22. 
    I discovered the joys of a navigation system
    when I drove to Tennessee last week.
23. 
    I will use this navigation system when I drive
    to Maryland next week.  I wish there were
    a navigation system for life.
24. 
    I am tired of being away from home, but have
    enjoyed the “getting away” once the getting is under way.
25. 
    I miss the old nina.  Where has she gone?
26. 
    I miss the old artist, in me.  Where are my artist book abilities, my desires
    to create new things?
27. 
    I want this list to be more positive.  That starts with number 28.
28. 
    I miss my boys with deepest emotions, but am
    proud that they are out there living their independent, radiant lives.  I am proud of the way that they have turned
    into beautiful-spirited young men.
29. 
     After so
    many years of being the teacher, I made a decision to once again become the
    student. 
30. 
    I hope to channel what I learned last week into
    my new designs.
31. 
    I hope to return to my stellar teacher as soon
    as possible and continue to deepen my knowledge and my skills.
32. 
    I’ve learned that Tennessee is an incredible
    state, and want to go back to spend some leisurely time there as soon as I can.
33. 
    I’ve finally become enamored of my Alabama roots,
    although I do not ever want to live in my hometown again.
34. 
    I wonder how I became so polar-opposite different
    from the rest of my family, in religion, politics, outlook on life?
35. 
    At 56, I feel that I am at a true turning point.
36. 
    At 56, I am afraid to turn that corner, to walk
    through that door.
37. 
    At 56, I wish I had someone right here beside me
    to hug me and to say that it will all be okay.
38. 
    At 56, I need to develop a community.
39. 
    I’m not sure where I want that community to be.
40. 
    I realize I have a community right here with
    Ornamental, but the need for an actual, physical one is becoming startlingly
    clear.
41. 
    The other day I sat and thought about the
    friends I used to know through traveling as a teacher.  Where are all of those fellow teacher friends
    now?  Where have they scattered and gone?
42. 
    I want to get back on a bike.  That is difficult to do when the bike I own
    is rusty and dusty and not up to date with current trends.  It is not easy, when I live in such a
    mountainous environment, to simply get back on that bike and hit the road.  I’d like flat roads and a new bike, poof,
    just like that.  Red.  I’d love a red bike, with a bell.
43. 
    I want to be in better shape.
44. 
    I want to lose 40 pounds.
45. 
    I want to purge this house of a lot more weight
    than that.
46. 
    I don’t know where to begin, with anything.
47. 
    This feels like a train wreck of a list.
48. 
    Back to the positive:  I want to begin a journal once again.
49. 
    I signed up for an online art class at the
    beginning of this year.  I ordered all
    the many supplies.  I don’t think I did a
    single exercise.  Why not?
50. 
    I love that I’ve stayed steady with my jewelry
    career all these nearly 30 years.
51. 
    I want to continue to be a jeweler for the rest
    of my life.
52. 
    My hands are feeling the physical strain of that
    career.
53. 
    Someone told me last week that my hands are beautiful.  This surprised me.  It’s been a long time since someone said that
    to me.
54. 
    Walter continues to be a wonderful companion, in
    spite of his overly spirited moments day to day.
55. 
    Two more to go, so I think of what can be
    said:  I love the evenings, when the sun
    has gone down, and my little lights are lit across the mantel, my salt lamps
    are glowing in the low light.
56. 
    I am glad to be myself, have always been glad,
    but want to once and for all firmly pull myself up out of this dark place into one
    of light, where I will continue to flourish and grow.  That ought to be enough. xo

 

Comments

[barbara karr]

Happy Birthday, Nina! I wish you sunshine and laughter, contentment, love, peace and hope. I know it will be all right. Love, Barbara

[Judi]

I love you, Nina.

[Sue]

i wonder if you have any idea just how beautiful you are? in all your sweet honesty, your complete transparency, lies a beauty not achieved by everyone. I wish for you Nina, the peace and joy you long for, light in the darkness and maybe someone very special that can sweep you off you feet, love you and move forward with you. I also cannot wait to see your newest creations....God bless you, and hugs!

[Cindy in Wisconsin]

Happy Birthday Dear Nina! Your list could be mine. I winced with pain when I read many of the items. I feel your Ouch! I understand your feelings about meds - I'm on them and feel conflicted and no, they don't always seem to be helping but I stay on. Scared, yes. People, yes. The phone, definitely yes. Yes, I read you loud and clear. A birthday wish for you - Beauty. Look for beauty where ever and whenever you can find it. Make it yours. It is a gift just for you and it will help you see tomorrow.

[Andea]

Nina, I love your list. I could have written many of them myself! I especially agree with the very last one. And I wish you luck on your journey. Happiest of birthdays to you!

[Angela]

Happy birthday, Nina. You are brave, dear, so very brave.

May your 57th year be one of the best of your life. I wish your roots find a place of light to grow into, where you can flourish and grow.

[Kim]

Happy Birthday, Nina! May your golden year be full of golden opportunities!

I'm a rare commenter, but I do read pretty regularly. Just wanted to let you know that if medication helps you, take it! A brain chemical imbalance can really ruin a person's life. The fear, the darkness, the inability to communicate with others are all due to the imbalance. That should all improve once your brain is getting what it needs. No sense in avoiding a solution if there is one, right? I hope your meds start kicking in soon. Lord willing, happier days are ahead for you, my dear! Whatever state you're in, your talent amazes. You are such a gifted artist.

[Jenny]

From a slightly different but parallel path to yours , may I recommend "Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change". Pena Chodron
one of those books that your soul will recognize......with much love, jenny

[Deb B]

Life!!! So complicated and messy yet simple and straightforward - a sweet paradox. I'm 58 and yet still navigating my path clumsily but gratefully. You seem to live fully and deeply and with that sense of wonder carried in your back pocket. Many people skate through life and never dare to put their face close to that dark glass to see dimly.

I'm so glad to have met you Nina! :) And there is always time for a Take Two!! love you, Deb Brown from VR this summer.

[Mara]

I'm lonesome too. Lonesome for a few more friends to see and be seen by. Some people seem to be gifted with the art of relationship. Not me. I spend too much time thinking about it, Wondering what is wrong with me. I don't talk about it though. To anyone. My secret. But sometimes I wonder if there are others like me. Lonesome doves. Wish we could build a small army of outcasts. Go camping. Light fires. Be together. It helps when you know you aren't the only one. So I'm telling you. You aren't.

[Jane Taggart]

This list resonates so deeply. It is so very raw and real. Thank you for sharing it even though it felt like a "train wreck".

[Belinda Stec]

Happy birthday. You have been a comfort and inspiration to me for years, ever since I found your blog after following the link from another beader/ blogger. I had been thinking of not doing my beading anymore, yet after reading this list, I think I will. I need to really do something with it before I quit. This inspiration comes from your ability to face your challenges head on. Thank you for the honesty with which you share within your blog. The speaking out simply about issues, gives all who read your words the strength to also be forthright about all our stumbling blocks. Happy Birthday, there are so many people who are glad you are here and open to all the universe offers.

[Lori Ann Kenney]

Hi Nina, I was moved by what you wrote, and appreciate the honesty, I just turned 53 last week on the 14th of Oct. I believe I have struggled with depression for much of my life, and it seems tougher now that I am in my 50's. I have been clean and sober for 20 years, which has made a huge difference in my life, hopefulness and general outlook on life. I am a painter, jewelry maker and a creative creative spirit. Most of my career has been in the costume field. I transitioned 4 years ago from Vancouver, B.C. to rural Island living to focus on my personal creative projects. anyways, my thoughts go out to you, many blessings on your journey.

[Kate]

Oh, Sweetie!!! Happy Birthday! (saith the late-always Kate). I've been too busy and am behind on my blog reading but will work my way thru your 56 (you Youngster!). As for me I am contemplating Medicare - HOW did that happen!!! I am so sorry to hear about your sadness but glad to see you are resolved to make changes. Change is hard and I struggle with it everyday - fear too.
Call me if you feel like it when you are in MD. I am SO close!

Love you, always!
K

[Rhonda Scott]

Love you Nina

[Jacqualine-Marie Baxman]

My post is late and so I hope you are well and moving forward. It seems you have many readers who genuinely love and care about you and intend to help with their suggestions. I have never understood why people expect others to just get happy, just do "this" and you'll be happy, just believe "this" and you'll be happy. Often, whatever the reason, it is a very difficult journey. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to open yourself up. I am particularly fond of your idea to make this list and will do it myself - and I'm ten years older than you - because it is an excellent way of taking stock, for any of us. I wish you well, will continue to read you and be in awe of both your spirit and your art no matter what you write. Your vision and words reach so many more people than you could imagine. Thank you - Blessings...

[Robin]

everything is going to be alright. it always is. take your time, Nina. It's ok. Much love from Texas...

[angela eharis]

wow! what we women go thru! gotta be hormones, we do have demons though, i just want to say thanks though at least i know i am not alone in all those feelings how do we change it? i am still trying to figure out the 2-3 year slump i am in, so it definately helps me when i read your thoughts. so much like my own. at least you got 117 comments i still get 0 comments, my blog is new i guess i gotta not give up on it! you and your art are so beautiful and what a blessing to have that and all your art friends, we just need a good ladies night at your house! i know everyone sends you a hug and aloha, i feel like you are a new friend, who knows maybe we will get together, i wish i was there i would help you with your house! love and aloha, angi in hana

[Nell Morningstar]

Dearest Nina, yes, you are so open to all of us, and with such a generous heart and soul! Thanks you, thank you, thank you. There are so many of us going through similar experiences, your words have such a profound resonance for us.
Happy birthday, and I am so hopeful that your medications and changes you are working to bring into your life push back the darkness and allow you to soar! There is always a community for you when you seek it. I wish wonderful blessings for this coming year, the best of years for you!

[Kate L.]

the words you have written touch the very core of my being, I have been in this place, not this exact place but one that sounds and feels very similar. i have been there a few times in my life but just about a year ago was headed there and within a few months it seemed as if i could not escape.
i would have had a list of 59 things and at the first of the year my heart would have not skipped a beat in finding them. It was dark, darker than it has really ever been. I am not sure why, I now know that just having the awareness of being there is important and can at times keep me from sinking deeper.
sometime in the month of May things started to change, it was not so dark. i made a few choices that helped. diet was the big one, i started to eat green, real green. i have always eaten fairly well, heathy... but this time i was totally committed, i am not sure why maybe because i felt like it was the only thing i could control.
anyway it helped, it actually helped in many ways, my spirit seem to lift, i felt more energy than i had in long time and i lost 15 pounds without even trying/thinking...
anyway i know i am reading this a month or so after it was written, i hope there is light, that the heart and soul are starting to connect and that life is starting to show up. if not look forward if only for a moment and know that it will get better, one moment at a time and those moments will be enough for now.
thank you for opening up your heart and sharing this list, please know that it has helped me to see and know that i must continue on the path of healing and loving myself again, peace to you.

[Albert/Stickrust]

Belated Happy Birthday. :)