catching up

 this is the first moment, quite literally, that i've had enough time to sit down, catch my weary breath, and tap out a catch up post in well over a month.  on march 1, i loaded my suitcase, walter, and a few jewelry supplies into the car and headed down to spend around ten days with my mother.  my uncle's health had been steadily, then rapidly, failing ever since he moved to alabama from his long-time home in atlanta back at the end of last year, and i could sense that i might be of some help to my mother, if not to Uncle Bob.  when first i was here (i'm still here, in alabama), i was able to post the little spring charms that i finished just after my arrival; from that point onward, i wasn't able to do anything except to address the vital necessities that were demanding our attention right here at hand.  orders didn't get shipped for a couple of weeks.  there were a mere two inquiries, both from the same customer, asking if things had shipped; her patience in waiting had worn thin, and when i read her second terse email, i was sitting in the emergency room at 6:30 in the morning with my mother, waiting for my uncle to be admitted.  that next week, in between visits to the hospital and to my uncle's home to pick up things that he had requested, i packaged and shipped nearly thirty orders of the little charms of hope and life and new beginnings, all things that come with spring.  i love my readers, and my customers; they have written the kindest responses upon receiving those belated packages, with words of encouragement and understanding; to those of you who have taken the time to write and check in to see if all is/was alright, i thank you from the bottom of my heart...

 it was downhill from there, a rapid descent into long evenings, phone calls in the middle of the night, trips back and forth to the hospital, and then to a nursing home, where we made twice-daily trips for the next two weeks.  uncle bob continued to decline, quickly, oh so quickly, losing something like 50 pounds in a matter of two weeks.  my dearest pal julie came down to alabama from ohio, an eleven hour trip one way, and met my uncle on the evening before he passed away.  we loaded her truck with the patio chairs and a chest of drawers that uncle bob had told me he wanted me to have; then last sunday afternoon, julie followed me back to north carolina, and before we had crossed the georgia-north carolina state lines, i received a call that my uncle had just passed away, minutes before. 
it was at that golden, magic hour just before the sun sinks down behind the western hills, and everything was washed with a deep and honey colored light.  i picked a few bluets while talking with my mother, as i listened to her try to clear her throat and gather her composure.  i hated that i had not been able to be right there for her, in the very end.  our plans had been for me to go home for two days, gather warm weather clothing and jewelry supplies, unload furniture, check on the cabin, and be back on my way south again.  it was another exhausting flurry of activity, for which i will forever be grateful to julie for her unending love and support.  she has now achieved sainthood, in my eyes, and in those of my mother.  she was here when i needed her to be, no questions asked, at her own insistence.  i don't even know how to thank her anymore.
so, right back to alabama i came two days later, and we buried my uncle's ashes in a lovely graveside service yesterday morning.  the surrounding trees were full of earnest birdsong, flowers were blooming, and a soft breeze stirred those tree branches that were harboring the warbling birds.  we broke out in song ourselves, singing Amazing Grace a capella, not caring that our voices were shaky and that we were singing through smiles and through tears.  i held my mother's hand throughout, without once letting go.  it was lovely and sad and affirming and relieving, all at once.  i feel like this is becoming a pattern and a rhythm for me - the driving home and receiving a call that a loved one has died, the turning around and driving right back down again...  the primping of a gravesite, pulling weeds and brushing dead grass aside, rearranging the rock hearts that have been moved by those who come in summer to cut the grass and trim the edges along iron fences.  the gazing up into the trees as words are recited, the tossing of a handful of red dirt into the little square hole in the ground that now hold the fine ashes of the man who was my uncle Bob.
 (can you see my mother in the twilight there, tending to her wilted pansies?  can you see the new moon overhead?  this was last evening, after a long and full and exhausting day)

i'll be staying on indefinitely in alabama, here at my mother's, to help with all the things that follow the death of a loved one who had no other family - no children, no spouse - to handle these affairs.  i've brought some pieces of jewelry that i'll be listing in a few days if there is time:  eight blue/green prologue watch chain prologue necklaces, and eight that are a soft green.  there are three or four larger necklaces in blues the color of the sky, teal green the color of the deepest sea.  i can't recall.  it's been that long since i tucked them away into their protective envelopes.

thanks again to all of you who write me such lovely, caring notes of appreciation.  your words, as ever, mean the world to me.  i hate that my time has been so full of necessary tasks that i've not had time to check in here with you; at the turn of winter to spring, it had been my intention to swing back into a more regular schedule of sharing with you the thoughts i've had about the uplifting showing of green in the trees, the return of birdsong, the blue skies at sunset, even the sweet dark moments in the rain.  i'll be here, as soon as i can.  you are all mighty dear.  xox  
ps.  walter sends his regards, as well.

Comments

[Ann Campoll]

Such lovely photos. I admire your acceptance of the care of your loved ones; not everyone does that.

[Loretta]

Just glad to hear from you whenever you have the breath or space to do so, however brief. You have more sacred tasks to attend to there, with your momma bereaved again, feeling her pain and loss, and you shoring her up as she sees yet another person in her life fade away. Blessings to you all, dear friend.

[Cindy Dean]

Sending love to you and your mother.... xoxo

[Johnny Dunn]

Very sorry for your loss. Please tell your Mom that she as well as you are in my prayers. God bless you both. Johnny

[Lorraine]

Thinking of you...

[Katey]

Love to you.

[Judy Merrill-Smith]

I am so sorry for your loss, and so moved by your ability to find grace and beauty amidst it all. Sending you & your mom a hug across the miles.

[Kathy DORFER]

So sorry nina, big hug to your mom !

[Issy]

Nina, wrap the "small bird wings" of your heart around your mother, easing what you can for her. Simply having you near, having your help, having your love and strength close at hand is the gift without measure.

And amid any random fleeting moment that swirls around you with a bit of quiet and calm please take care of (and for) yourself.... Your gentle heart must be SO far beyond weary.

Lean on Julie as you need (she knows what will help, trusted soul-friend that she is).

We (all) look forward to your words, whenever life offers you some peace, some calm. When you return we will be here waiting.

Please give my thoughts of comfort to your mom.

Issy

[Ramona]

Nina, my condolences on your uncle's passing. These are sacred duties we perform for our loved ones and they resonate through earth and heaven, forever. Though you're weary, I hope you can realize what a service and blessing it was to be there for your family members. Many blessings to you, and I'm grateful for your sharing of your heart.

[Lesley Jacobs]

Dear Nina,
We are in the thick of this phase of life, aren't we? We're aging, our families are aging, and it is a gift to be able to support them and love them as they make their way to what comes next. I honor you and your family for your sweet care of each other, and I honor our friends who instinctively know when it is time to come to your aid.

My dad died last May after a two year health struggle that included open heart surgery and then the discovery that he had leukemia. He was a tough character to say the least. Despite that, we dropped our normal life activity and went into parental care mode again. Just 8 years after losing mom from blood cancer of another kind... here we were again. We knew the territory. We are good at this care thing now. We fell in love with the healthcare team. Dad did too. Over a two year timeframe we had the surprise and delight of witnessing the softening of the old coot. He learned how to chuckle. He learned about gratitude. He learned just how powerful unconditional love is. We did too. It was an amazing experience and I am thankful we had the opportunity to open those doors and see an unexpected side of each other.

I know that in the care you've given your family members through this time of life, you've experienced the same gifts. I know you've given your time, care, and love freely and I know that while you are suffering, there is a powerful sweetness there too.

I send you my love and a big long hug, from Seattle.

[Wendy D.]

Nina, sending gentle thoughts for you and your family. . .

[Gloria martin]

Dearest Nina, sending you, your sweet mama, and your family my deepest, most sincere condolences.....along with many warm hugs.

[Tina M.]

so many things....so many. that, i do know. dad left us only last week and the blur hasn't cleared yet. but in the midst of it all, love. hoping the sun warms your shoulders and the wind blows strength into your soul. love and hugs to you and yours, my friend. xo

[Jolee]

Sending warmest wishes and condolences to you and your family at such a heart wrenching time. You are truly blessed to have such a good friend and your mother is truly best to have you. x

[Sue]

I was just thinking of you this morning Nina, and that you hadn't posted for a while. I had a feeling that perhaps everything was not ok. Condolences to you and your family at this sad time. xo

[sandy]

ooooh Nina,
Sorry for your loss.
Illness, strife, planning has been on the radar on this side of the world too. Just popped in today(had a few minutes to spare) Thinking of you today.
Take care now. Hope you can get some rest.
Also, love your latest ornaments.
xxoo

[Red Sandlin]

I saw you pop up and happy to see it but only to hear of your sad news. I know this loss. OH sweet NIna you and the family are in our thoughts and prayers that peace find its way to your heart. Sending healing hugs your way.

[Bonnie Moench]

Nina

My heart is with you....I do understand the responsibility that you have taken on. This is our time to be the caregivers...even if we feel to young. It is hard to think that one day we will be the seniors. Your Mother is so lucky to have your support. Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

Sending love.
Bonnie xoxo

[Sharron]

Hadn't expected you to find time to write, but so appreciative that you did.
Sending love and hugs, you're where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing... xox

[Janet]

I am truly sorry to hear about your uncle. Your writing is beautiful. Hope to see you while you are here. Much love,

[Mary]

Thinking of you & your family.

[erin]

dear nina--so glad you wrote of your loss so we can share your grief and offer our sympathy. i am sure your mother is grateful to have you and walter there just as you were grateful for julie. my dad died not that long ago and his loss is still so raw. i missed your posting of the last jewelry trinkets so will be waiting to see what magic you have waiting to share. hugs, erin

[Sherrye DUNN]

So very sorry Nina. What a sweet person you are. Much love.

[Jean Holland]

My heart goes out to you and your mom your family and friends and Walter...May God comfort you in your time of sorrow...I'm glad you where there when your family needed you...Your in my Prayers God Bless

[Margo Tantau]

Dearest Nina who sees beauty in all things- My heart goes out to you & your Momma. For everything there is a season- some we are not ready to embrace. Sending love. -margo

[Jacky Mcfarlane]

Love to you and your Mom. And big blessings to Julie who was able to do what many of us would love to do for you.

[Susan]

xo
xo
xo

[Monika Schmid]

I am so sorry for your loss dear Nina. Sending you and your mum bright blessings and comforting hugs also to your wonderful friend Julie. xoxo

[Anna Maria Stone]

Sending my love and condolences to you and to your Mom.

[Deb]

Sending light and love to you and your dear Mom...xo

[lilylovekin]

I'm sorry about your sadness. It sounds as if you helped your uncle leave this life with grace. I do not believe there is a greater gift. I think of this occasionally as my mother gets older, and my circle of intimates becomes smaller. I wonder if I'll be up to the task, and I selfishly wonder who will be there for me. The questions that are asked in the dark of the night! I'm thankful for these connections through the wires, that help me feel less alone. Thinking of you. much love Lorrie

[Karen Robison]

Be well. I can learn from your dear and generous heart.

[Mary Beth Shaw]

Pattern and rhythm of life and death. I don't necessarily like these times, yet you communicate them so beautifully. I miss seeing you. xo

[Lisa]

Your words always evoke such emotion Nina...peace to you and your family. xxx, L

[Cynthia]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Heartfelt condolences.

[Elise]

Hearing from you is always a breath of fresh air - I am delighted that you can muster enough strength to catch up and let us know you are ok. My sympathies to you and your family.

[martha]

I am here in between your mom and your home. Please let me know how I can be of help should you need some. Much love to you and your mother. Take care. xox martha

[ninabagley]

Lesley, I had no idea about your dad. Im so sorry! my own Daddy passed away three years ago in May. I cant believe its been eight years since your bright light of a mama passed on to another place. time is ever mercurial. your words mean the world to me, sweet friend xoxo

Sent from my little phone

[jennifer thornton]

life can be so hard. it's so sad watching someone leave. my mom is fading and it's crippling to watch the struggle. but more than once we all go through it.

[Carol Weiler]

Despite any plans we may have, life and death happen on their own time and if we give all we have to our dearest loved ones ,when they need it the most, we have done well. Your lovely words even during the most trying times are music to the ears and artful in themselves. Thank you for sharing.

[Ailsa Willis]

Sending love and hugs to you and your dear mother.

[Vickie]

Sending much love your way during this time, and always. Family is everything. Having a disabled husband whom I have to help care for, as well as both elderly parents, I do understand what this all entails. It can be so overwhelming, but we do it because we love.
All my best, Vickie in KC
PS, Walter is adorable as always!

[Kat Langford]

I thought of the dandelion in the light - so many little wishes held by a tenuous, fragile connection and thought of what you have experienced with your family. One little puff off into a new adventure and we are the ones who send it off with love and sorrow and faith. May you find a happy medium between the top of the sky and the firm earth. Hug Julie. Hug Walter. Hug your lovely, brave and strong mother and then hug yourself. I am sending a virtual hug. Life is a journey in a small, reliable boat upon the waters of surprise and adventure. Sometimes, like the skies above, it bodes the power it holds and sometimes it is calm and reassuring. So it is the perfect reflection of this life we all share. Blessings upon your head and may the wind be at your back. HUGS.

[Monica aka The Creative Beast]

Nina, I am so sorry to hear that your uncle has passed on and sorrier still to read that you felt badly for not being with your mother at the crucial moment, but I hope you can see that your presence for so many days leading to the end is just as worthwhile because you were there to provide much needed support in ways big and small that you may never really know about, but I'm sure you're mother has felt. I send you hopes for a smooth grieving period and a smoother process for closing up all the loose ends that made up your uncle's life.

[angi eharis]

nina, u write such beautiful words, i am so happy u and walter were able to be with your mom and uncle, u certainly have had losses, we know they are part of life, but it always brings such sadness, but most important is that it brings us together with our loved ones, hopefully, but not always, so know this is a blessing in your life and you will only gain from this experience, here is my favorite words about death: "when i entered this life i was crying and everyone in the room was laughing, and when i left this life, everyone in the room was crying and i was laughing". aloha nui loa, angi in hana

[Ruth]

Dearest Nina, how strange it is at our age,life showing us such profound and heart breaking realities,I feel your loss and as always, a deep sense of kinship. The contrast of light and dark, beginnings and endings, is so sharp as the buds break with new hope.I lost my partner of more than three decades, two years ago this month, and my own lovely Dad a few months later.
My love to you and your loved ones,
Ruth xxx

[Mary]

My deepest condolences to both you and your sweet mama on your loss of Uncle Bob. Thankfully you are there to help - and in your own way you will also thank a wonderful friend such as Julie - she really must be a saint, or at least a caring friend in every sense of the word.
Walter's portrait is perfect for this long awaited post Nina - he just has such a beautiful expression on that handsome face.

Hang in there and try to come back to the NC mountains while Spring is bursting forth - I know how much you love it.

Hugs - Mary

[Teresa Atkinson]

Nina - I am so sorry. Many prayers will be lifted for you and your precious mom.

[barbara lassiter]

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your Mother during this time. Blessings on you both as you deal with your sorrow and all the other little details when someone near and dear is no longer there with you.

[barbara karr]

Thinking of you, Nina, and always wondering how you are. Hugs

[Emily]

Sending you and your mother warm thoughts during this difficult time. I'm glad your uncle and mom and had your help Nina.

[Bev B]

Nina, just happening to catch up on some blog reading. First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. You too are a saint to your mom, being there for her, I am sure more than you know.

I love the photos you posted as well.

With hugs <3

[Jenny Hanson]

I'm sad to we have shared similar sorrows as my Mum's dearest brother also passed & was farewelled this past week. All of my creative habits ceased during his rapid decline, but I can slowly see a light at the end of the tunnel since his pain has stopped. Our's of course continues, but we are comforted by memories. I am truly sorry for your loss and send much love to you & your Mum, and blessings to your lovely friend for helping you. So nice to see gorgeous Walter as always <3

[Jane]

Hey. Just catching up on my blog reading too, and am sorry for your loss. I know you will be a wonderful help to your mom. I was reading some older posts of yours and saw that some cruel person's comment about you writing about your jewelry made you reluctant to post . I want you to know that I LOVE your blog, and all of your postings about your jewelry and what you find on your adventures with Walter outside. They are unbelievably inspiring to me.i love your photography, and how you write detailed passages about how you do what you do, and why. I also love that you are a fellow collector of found things, treasures. I am an elem.art teacher in Athens ga. Who collects cool found natural stuff along with my daughter (12) and sometimes makes jewelry, clothings, journals, paintings pots and soon. Thank you, thank you for being so incredibly open and willing to share!

[Diane]

thank you for the look into your life.
Diane